SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker withdrew from the 2016 Republican presidential race Monday citing a serious conflict interest. “Today I believe that I am being called to lead by helping to clear the field in this race,” Walker said, announcing that he would be suspending his vapid campaign indefinitely. Chief among the polarizing governor’s concerns was learning that he would be expected to uphold many of the institutions and issues he’s spent his entire political career attempting to destroy.

“I thought, I mean, I just imagined that as the king of America and ruler of its military, I could do whatever fool thing I wanted, like George Bush did,” Walker stammered to reporters after concluding his official address to the public. “Turns out, Congress makes the laws. As president, I’d have to protect women, respect other religions, keep the government running even though my friends want to shut it down, and help teachers and civil servants. Geez, as president, I’d be the biggest civil servant of all. That sounds terrible.”

During his tenure as Wisconsin’s governor, Walker has fought tirelessly to deny women their reproductive rights or access to pregnancy terminations, even in instances of rape or incest. He’s committed himself to rounding up and deporting Mexicans -- especially the ones who don’t provide essential services, such as his landscaping and cleaning. He’s relentlessly championed slashing all funding for public services, unions, teachers, clean energy and environmental programs to create jobs -- mostly for gun manufacturers and soldiers, who would be invading every country where brown people worship false idols.

Walker’s efforts to restore the economic might of the nation and create jobs are well documented. His 2011 Budget Repair Bill ranks among the most innovative of these initiatives, further illustrating the detrimental drain on resources by teachers, police, scientists, mail carriers, firefighters and other public administrators. The provisions of the bill -- which include collective bargaining cuts, pay slashes, increased benefit contributions from employees, and pension reform -- became the bedrock on which his state sought to balance its budget.

“People who don’t understand this bill can complain all they want,” Walker reportedly told colleagues. “But the fact is, we’re creating new revenue streams that will assist the state. With the glut of newly vacant ‘Staff’ parking spaces in schools and public facilities, we can lease those lots out at a premium to restaurants, retailers, theaters, you name it. Wisconsin needs capital, and we sure aren’t generating any from teachers and public works employees. They just cost. When this is all said and done, I think they’ll come to realize that they can make the same money at Walmart, and at least contribute to the economy without burdening taxpayers.”

Ultimately, however, Walker’s decision to leave the campaign trail is a wise one, true to his character and beliefs:

In my heart -- which is guided by my Lord’s wrath and disgust and putrid hate for the poor and downtrodden, or those who squander their divine gift of life by assisting them -- I entered this contest for the White House with the purest intentions. I learned a lot on the journey, and in many ways this knowledge has informed my decision to quit. Did you realize there’s a department responsible for public education? And a secretary of education oversees it? And that, as president, I would have to support this evil person’s nefarious work? I didn’t know that until yesterday.

And I’d be expected to protect and preserve so many other welfare-based entitlement programs that are ruining this great nation. Like the EPA. I’d be asked to help women. I’d be required to enforce the rights of sodomites or those who practice un-American faiths. Personally, I believe Kim Davis is a martyr. But as chief executive, my duty would be to see her rot in prison for being one of the last truly loving, devoted and moral servants of Christ. How would that make me any different than Pontius Pilate? I have, in the name of patriotism and love for my fellow man, led my state with ethics and convictions. I will not abandon them for political gain. What are those convictions?

I don’t like women, Muslims, Negros, queers, Mexicans, Canadians, the French, the planet, taking care of the elderly, seeing every citizen enjoy the benefits of health care, or those lazy drug addicts who exploit hard-working taxpayers by suckling at the teat of public assistance -- like teachers, librarians, cops, air traffic controllers, road workers or anyone else who’s taking jobs away from private businesses. And as president, I would be called upon to perpetuate these societal ills, in opposition to every tenet I hold dear. That I cannot, and will not, do.

2015. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.