SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- September 19 celebrates the swashbuckling spirit of high-seas adventures each year as International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For millions of scoundrels and fo’c’sle swabs, that means donning eyepatches, 17th century frock coats, ornate tricorn hats, plastic hooks and cutlasses, and pledging allegiance to the skull and crossbones of a Jolly Roger. Several businesses partake of the festivities, too. This Saturday, the popular doughnut chain Krispy Kreme is offering a free glazed treat to any landlubber willing to order in the parlance of Blackbeard or Long John Silver. For truly scurvy wenches, scallywags and blackguards who arrive adorned in full pirate garb, Krispy Kreme surrenders a bounty of a dozen doughnuts. However, panic erupted near San Narciso’s waterfront district this morning when hardcore enthusiasts raided the usually low-key bakery and coffeehouse dressed as armed Somali pirates.

The locally famous cross streets of Cape Horn Way and Man-of-War may be out of the way for most morning commuters, but they often leave early to snag a hot, fresh doughnut at the area’s only Krispy Kreme before heading to the office. A few of the executives at Yoyodyne even planned a silly pirate-themed costume stunt to get their crews dozens of free doughnuts in honor of the day. But things went disastrously awry when a group of history and anthropology students from San Narciso College decided to belay the efforts of rival mateys with a display of full authenticity.

The group raided Krispy Kreme in heavy theatrical makeup, wearing threadbare jeans, undershirts, turbans and koofiyads. Bandoliers dangling with grenades and stuffed with fake bullets covered their torsos. They screamed orders in Somali, waving an arsenal of weapons around the room. Some members brandished fake semi-automatic TT-30 pistols and AK47s. The pirate who guarded the door carried an amazing replica of a loaded RPG. After an hour-long standoff, SWAT teams verified most of the weapons as elaborately outfitted water guns.

The leader of the boarding party, mimicking a scene from the film “Captain Phillips,” confronted the Krispy Kreme store manager while his accomplices cornered the cooks and cashiers. Witnesses described the exchange as direct dialog from the movie, initially believing the store manager to be part of the play.

“Calm down, calm down,” the pirate leader told Jerry Montach, the on-duty manager. “Hey, look at me.”

“Sure,” Jerry replied, his hands in the air.

“Look at me,” the pirate leader continued, waving his AK47.

“Sure,” Jerry said again.

“I’m the manager now.”

Seconds later, local SWAT teams and police officers in riot gear surrounded the restaurant, eventually firing tear gas into the dining area. The faux pirates surrendered peacefully but did not, witnesses report, receive free doughnuts. A public hearing is scheduled for September 22, after which time Mayor Manny DiPresso will address the community.

2015. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.