EDITORIAL: Why Do We Continue to Glorify Beggars Every October 31?

By F. Chester Greene, 2016 write-in Republican presidential candidate

Halloween, to the families of the Greatest Generation, was a jovial celebration of the harvest. Reaping the fruits of our hard labors. An innocent day of mirth, confections and good-natured displays of dress-up. But it has since become a truly horrifying affair. That’s why, as the write-in Republican candidate for the 2016 presidential election, I urge real American patriots to abandon this now depraved holiday, which sends a terrifying message to the nation’s impressionable youth: that grubby costumed beggars looking for handouts will be rewarded.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday event for children in San Narciso County. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating All Hallow’s Eve, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a no-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which will be considered not only a biohazard but a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you and yours have the best Halloween ever!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, many citizens across the nation will observe the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. For others, it's a remembrance of how North America's indigenous people discovered a geographically challenged sailor lost at sea. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies are widely considered among the most accurate, although they have been branded by progressive and conservative detractors as too racist and, ironically, not racist enough. Still, the event bolsters the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration.

Opposition to the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples Celebration

Since the 1970s, San Narciso County has staged an elaborate historical reenactment of Columbus' critical role in bringing what the Ayn Rand Institute called “reason, science, self-reliance, individualism, ambition and productive achievement” to a people who were based in “primitivism, mysticism and collectivism.”

In the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples ceremony, volunteers dressed as sparsely equipped Native Americans fight a horde of armored and heavily weaponed European soldiers. After about four minutes, Columbus and his armies leave the bloody field to the delight of the crowd, ushering in an era of progress, freedom and equality for all Americans. The five surviving Indians then serve visitors food and drink while passing out flyers that encourage, among other seemingly unrelated things, heterosexual rights, outsourced overseas labor and a movement to officially ban Catholicism from classification as a Christian sect.

Criticizing those who oppose the festivities, Mayor DiPresso said: “Unfortunately, a small group of liberal protesters and misguided Native American sympathizers from outside the county has chosen to defile the true birth of our nation by claiming that Columbus Day celebrates an American genocide.”

In reality, Christopher Columbus represents opportunity, free trade and liberation from the shackles of corrupt monarchies, DiPresso emphasized.

“Sure, there were a few casualties, but on both sides; I find it hard to believe Columbus was greeted as a liberator. And we all know how that plays out,” the mayor added. “Also, Columbus thought he'd landed in India. If we staged a modern interpretation of the event, where Columbus brings down the world capital of outsourcing and the loss of American jobs, I bet everyone would be on board. I think these planned demonstrations are a bit hypocritical. The only protests that could possibly make sense would come from those upset about Columbus attempting to trounce the prevailing religious beliefs of the region by replacing them with some weird system of faith -- this is a Protestant land, after all, not some pagan tribal council or Catholic playground for those who want to help the poor."

2015. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.

OP-ED: WHY AMERICA'S FREE MARKET AND FREE PEOPLE NEED MORE GUN VIOLENCE

By: F. Chester Greene

F. Chester Greene is a prominent local businessman, Republican Party leader, community leader, NRA member and 2016 write-in presidential candidate

Just as that sad mountebank Bernie Sanders caravans across America to exploit the outraged victims of Wall Street corruption for political gain -- a cheap sort of demagoguery he uses to bilk thousands of teachers out of tens of dollars to support his campaign (which I believe is a conspiratorial attempt at Zionist indoctrination) -- so too is the president exploiting the violence that rocked a rural Oregon college to push his anti-violence agenda. As a successful and hard-working businessman myself, I get sick and tired of weathering this administration’s attacks on capitalism. Big business runs this country. And guns -- combined with gun-related fatalities -- are very big business. But our commander in chief wants to erase the “free” in free market while, with the same vicious pen stroke, scratching out the “Blessings of Liberty” from the preamble of the Constitution.

EDITORIAL ON MASS SHOOTINGS IN AMERICA

Bennington Vale Evening Transcript, San Narciso, Calif.

By: BC Bass

After years of mass shootings, I have become exhausted. Too exhausted, even, to try and recount the tragedy that befell Umpqua College Thursday morning. So I want to talk about something else. Take a different approach. Halloween’s just around the corner; why don’t we discuss monsters? We look on the perpetrators of these senseless slaughters as monsters. And they truly are. The word monster derives from the Latin monstrum, which originates from the root monere, which is where we also get the word “admonish.” They all define a warning or portent. That’s what monsters are. Warnings. Alarms alerting us to some terrible shit coming down the pike.