SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, many citizens across the nation will observe the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. For others, it's a remembrance of how North America's indigenous people discovered a geographically challenged sailor lost at sea. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies are widely considered among the most accurate, although they have been branded by progressive and conservative detractors as too racist and, ironically, not racist enough. Still, the event bolsters the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration.

Opposition to the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples Celebration

Since the 1970s, San Narciso County has staged an elaborate historical reenactment of Columbus' critical role in bringing what the Ayn Rand Institute called “reason, science, self-reliance, individualism, ambition and productive achievement” to a people who were based in “primitivism, mysticism and collectivism.”

In the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples ceremony, volunteers dressed as sparsely equipped Native Americans fight a horde of armored and heavily weaponed European soldiers. After about four minutes, Columbus and his armies leave the bloody field to the delight of the crowd, ushering in an era of progress, freedom and equality for all Americans. The five surviving Indians then serve visitors food and drink while passing out flyers that encourage, among other seemingly unrelated things, heterosexual rights, outsourced overseas labor and a movement to officially ban Catholicism from classification as a Christian sect.

Criticizing those who oppose the festivities, Mayor DiPresso said: “Unfortunately, a small group of liberal protesters and misguided Native American sympathizers from outside the county has chosen to defile the true birth of our nation by claiming that Columbus Day celebrates an American genocide.”

In reality, Christopher Columbus represents opportunity, free trade and liberation from the shackles of corrupt monarchies, DiPresso emphasized.

“Sure, there were a few casualties, but on both sides; I find it hard to believe Columbus was greeted as a liberator. And we all know how that plays out,” the mayor added. “Also, Columbus thought he'd landed in India. If we staged a modern interpretation of the event, where Columbus brings down the world capital of outsourcing and the loss of American jobs, I bet everyone would be on board. I think these planned demonstrations are a bit hypocritical. The only protests that could possibly make sense would come from those upset about Columbus attempting to trounce the prevailing religious beliefs of the region by replacing them with some weird system of faith -- this is a Protestant land, after all, not some pagan tribal council or Catholic playground for those who want to help the poor."

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