EDITORIAL: Why Do We Continue to Glorify Beggars Every October 31?

By F. Chester Greene, 2016 write-in Republican presidential candidate

Halloween, to the families of the Greatest Generation, was a jovial celebration of the harvest. Reaping the fruits of our hard labors. An innocent day of mirth, confections and good-natured displays of dress-up. But it has since become a truly horrifying affair. That’s why, as the write-in Republican candidate for the 2016 presidential election, I urge real American patriots to abandon this now depraved holiday, which sends a terrifying message to the nation’s impressionable youth: that grubby costumed beggars looking for handouts will be rewarded.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday event for children in San Narciso County. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating All Hallow’s Eve, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a no-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which will be considered not only a biohazard but a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you and yours have the best Halloween ever!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, many citizens across the nation will observe the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. For others, it's a remembrance of how North America's indigenous people discovered a geographically challenged sailor lost at sea. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies are widely considered among the most accurate, although they have been branded by progressive and conservative detractors as too racist and, ironically, not racist enough. Still, the event bolsters the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration.

Opposition to the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples Celebration

Since the 1970s, San Narciso County has staged an elaborate historical reenactment of Columbus' critical role in bringing what the Ayn Rand Institute called “reason, science, self-reliance, individualism, ambition and productive achievement” to a people who were based in “primitivism, mysticism and collectivism.”

In the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples ceremony, volunteers dressed as sparsely equipped Native Americans fight a horde of armored and heavily weaponed European soldiers. After about four minutes, Columbus and his armies leave the bloody field to the delight of the crowd, ushering in an era of progress, freedom and equality for all Americans. The five surviving Indians then serve visitors food and drink while passing out flyers that encourage, among other seemingly unrelated things, heterosexual rights, outsourced overseas labor and a movement to officially ban Catholicism from classification as a Christian sect.

Criticizing those who oppose the festivities, Mayor DiPresso said: “Unfortunately, a small group of liberal protesters and misguided Native American sympathizers from outside the county has chosen to defile the true birth of our nation by claiming that Columbus Day celebrates an American genocide.”

In reality, Christopher Columbus represents opportunity, free trade and liberation from the shackles of corrupt monarchies, DiPresso emphasized.

“Sure, there were a few casualties, but on both sides; I find it hard to believe Columbus was greeted as a liberator. And we all know how that plays out,” the mayor added. “Also, Columbus thought he'd landed in India. If we staged a modern interpretation of the event, where Columbus brings down the world capital of outsourcing and the loss of American jobs, I bet everyone would be on board. I think these planned demonstrations are a bit hypocritical. The only protests that could possibly make sense would come from those upset about Columbus attempting to trounce the prevailing religious beliefs of the region by replacing them with some weird system of faith -- this is a Protestant land, after all, not some pagan tribal council or Catholic playground for those who want to help the poor."

2015. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.

OP-ED: WHY AMERICA'S FREE MARKET AND FREE PEOPLE NEED MORE GUN VIOLENCE

By: F. Chester Greene

F. Chester Greene is a prominent local businessman, Republican Party leader, community leader, NRA member and 2016 write-in presidential candidate

Just as that sad mountebank Bernie Sanders caravans across America to exploit the outraged victims of Wall Street corruption for political gain -- a cheap sort of demagoguery he uses to bilk thousands of teachers out of tens of dollars to support his campaign (which I believe is a conspiratorial attempt at Zionist indoctrination) -- so too is the president exploiting the violence that rocked a rural Oregon college to push his anti-violence agenda. As a successful and hard-working businessman myself, I get sick and tired of weathering this administration’s attacks on capitalism. Big business runs this country. And guns -- combined with gun-related fatalities -- are very big business. But our commander in chief wants to erase the “free” in free market while, with the same vicious pen stroke, scratching out the “Blessings of Liberty” from the preamble of the Constitution.

EDITORIAL ON MASS SHOOTINGS IN AMERICA

Bennington Vale Evening Transcript, San Narciso, Calif.

By: BC Bass

After years of mass shootings, I have become exhausted. Too exhausted, even, to try and recount the tragedy that befell Umpqua College Thursday morning. So I want to talk about something else. Take a different approach. Halloween’s just around the corner; why don’t we discuss monsters? We look on the perpetrators of these senseless slaughters as monsters. And they truly are. The word monster derives from the Latin monstrum, which originates from the root monere, which is where we also get the word “admonish.” They all define a warning or portent. That’s what monsters are. Warnings. Alarms alerting us to some terrible shit coming down the pike.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- So-called “wunderkind” Martin Shkreli, a 32-year-old hedge fund manager, was already a controversial and polarizing figure in the world of pharmaceuticals. His deranged antics against a former employee became a social media and legal horror show a few years ago. And Monday, Shkreli stunned the nation up to its highest levels when he led his company, Turing Pharmaceuticals, to raise the price of a life-saving drug by more than 5,000 percent. Despite the public outcry and swift responses from Democrats like Hillary Clinton, Shkreli has become a GOP darling overnight. But who is this enigmatic, pitiless and depraved young cutthroat?

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker withdrew from the 2016 Republican presidential race Monday citing a serious conflict interest. “Today I believe that I am being called to lead by helping to clear the field in this race,” Walker said, announcing that he would be suspending his vapid campaign indefinitely. Chief among the polarizing governor’s concerns was learning that he would be expected to uphold many of the institutions and issues he’s spent his entire political career attempting to destroy.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- September 19 celebrates the swashbuckling spirit of high-seas adventures each year as International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For millions of scoundrels and fo’c’sle swabs, that means donning eyepatches, 17th century frock coats, ornate tricorn hats, plastic hooks and cutlasses, and pledging allegiance to the skull and crossbones of a Jolly Roger. Several businesses partake of the festivities, too. This Saturday, the popular doughnut chain Krispy Kreme is offering a free glazed treat to any landlubber willing to order in the parlance of Blackbeard or Long John Silver. For truly scurvy wenches, scallywags and blackguards who arrive adorned in full pirate garb, Krispy Kreme surrenders a bounty of a dozen doughnuts. However, panic erupted near San Narciso’s waterfront district this morning when hardcore enthusiasts raided the usually low-key bakery and coffeehouse dressed as armed Somali pirates.

Officer Eric Casebolt bravely subdues unarmed, 100-lb black teen without shooting her to death.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A birthday pool party in the affluent Craig Ranch community of McKinney, Texas, erupted in chaos and violence early Friday evening amid accusations of police racism and brutality. The excessive actions of Corporal Eric Casebolt -- which included a lot of profanity, a James T. Kirk-inspired combat roll, tackling scantily clad girls in bikinis who were armed with only towels, and drawing his sidearm on bystanders attempting to peacefully diffuse the aggression -- renewed public outcry about the extreme use of force by police. But Republican lawmakers in the South see the situation differently. According to them, the fact that no unarmed black teens were actually blown to pieces by cops demonstrates “tremendous restraint and progress in the evolution of our peacekeeping policies.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As summer approaches, California is preparing to enter its fourth year of a record-breaking and potentially devastating drought. Concerns voiced by state lawmakers and emergency management officials about the crisis led Gov. Jerry Brown to declare a state of emergency. But this week, despite lackluster conservation efforts and voluntary rationing, some of Southern California’s largest cities managed to exceed the state’s cutback goals. “California still leads the nation in unemployment,” one assemblyperson noted. “Our long-term jobless have been forced to eliminate a lot of luxuries and extraneous bills from their lives to stave off poverty. The silver lining is that their inability to keep the water on is working wonders for our attempts to lower consumption and usage levels.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A new study of suicide among children under 12 has produced some alarming results. Researchers examined records from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which tracks mortality and suicide rates, between the years of 1993 and 2012, targeting kids between five and 11 years old. They found that a total of 657 children took their own lives during that time -- an average of 33 per year. Even more distressing, incidents of suicide among black youths have doubled. The study’s lead author attributed the problem to several factors: increased exposure to violence and traumatic stress, early onset of puberty and depression. “Basically,” he explained, “the closer black youngsters get to reaching their teenage years, the more likely they are to perish at the hands -- and gun barrels -- of white police officers. So, that could account for the increased exposure to violence, depression and so forth.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- George Zimmerman, in a frightening change of circumstance, found himself on the business end of a pistol Monday. The incident occurred during a near-deadly bout of road rage, sparked when the former neighborhood watch volunteer waved a firearm at a man in another vehicle. The shooter, identified as Matthew Apperson, had previously had a run-in with Zimmerman back in September 2014. During that confrontation, Apperson suffered an unprovoked assault by Zimmerman, who accused him of shaking a finger at his truck. Perceiving the digit-wagging as a grave threat to his life -- one perhaps more perilous than an unarmed black teenager brandishing Skittles and iced tea -- Zimmerman cautioned the would-be assailant that he would “f***ing kill” him. This event, one in a growing string of encounters with police, reveals a more complex view of Florida’s Stand Your Ground law than the media portrayed during the Trayvon Martin hearings: mainly that someone as paranoid and terrified of everything as George Zimmerman needs “shoot-first” type protections.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A high school in Crane, Texas, has found itself battling an epic chlamydia outbreak, according to health officials looking into a rash of recently reported problems. Currently, 300 students at Crane High have been diagnosed with the irritating but highly treatable condition. Members of the Texas educational system seemed confused by the Department of Health’s pronouncement, claiming that the presence of a sexually transmitted disease at the campus is virtually impossible, especially since Madonna has refused to play the senior prom for decades. The school does not offer sexual education -- Crane High instead relies on a faith-based abstinence-only program. “Our kids aren’t having sexual relations,” one administrator said. “It’s a sin, and they know it. The only explanation for this plague is that God has cursed us with the boils of Egypt.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Carly Fiorina, the embattled former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, has declared her second candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination, pitting her against Democratic favorite Hillary Clinton. For one of the first times in U.S. history, voters will encounter a fresh dynamic in the battle for the White House between two viable women of stature and influence. Although misunderstood and much maligned for her countless business, social and political failures, Fiorina could emerge as one of the best chief executives for America today. In fact, she seems to understand the mindset, motivations and pulse of the public in a way that Clinton never will. Here are Fiorina’s positions on the issues and all the ways she could surpass Ronald Reagan as the country’s most beloved and effective Republican president.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to global economists, there could be less than 46 years of oil supplies left, even if demand were to remain flat. Barring existing constraints on supplies, the world would likely see a 110-percent jump in demand by 2050, equivalent to 190 million barrels a day. But without discovering major new reserves or alternative energy sources, experts anticipate the growing demands to remain unmet. Even diversifying to natural gas would fail to ease the pressure on oil because its supply is as geographically dense. So in celebration of Earth Day, industry leaders announced plans to step up aggressive drilling programs and seek viable sources of renewable energy. The new strategy calls for boring a giant hole right down to the Earth’s core to find dinosaurs and revitalizing the whaling industry.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last August, Walgreens announced its plans for a $1 billion cost-reduction initiative. The largest U.S. drugstore chain upped the ante this Thursday when it revealed the anticipated closure of 200 stores across the nation, a move intended to further boost profits and increase the proposed cost-cutting effort by another $500 million. “After a rigorous analysis, the company has identified additional opportunities for cost savings, primarily in its Retail Pharmacy USA division,” company spokespeople explained in a statement to the press. Reorganizing staff and eliminating overhead expenses were two of the main strategies discussed. However, the decision to shutter 200 points of operation has left many wondering what will become of the workers in those locations. Walgreens vowed that it will not lay off its employees. Instead, the company launched a revolutionary program, patterned off of Uber’s obscenely lucrative business model, which will allow the affected workers to become independent contractors who peddle drugs directly to consumers on the streets.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, authorities in South Carolina announced that a 33-year-old police officer will face murder charges for the shooting death of an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop. North Charleston Officer Michael Slager gunned down Walter Scott, 50, as he ran from the policeman’s drawn pistol. Video of the confrontation, captured by a bystander near the scene, clearly shows that the officer pumped at least eight rounds into Scott’s back. He then cuffed the hands of the corpse. Seizing the opportunity to divert attention away from recent controversies, relieved Republican lawmakers said the South Carolina tragedy settles a longstanding debate on the contentious topic of civil rights: uptight, conservative white people are still more afraid of unarmed black men than gays.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Easter, one of the most important holidays in Christendom, celebrates the resurrection of Jesus, who was said to have risen from the dead three days after his crucifixion. This supernatural event serves as the foundation of the religion, and is also cited as proof that God granted faithful adherents “a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” But based on reports recently leaked from a cemetery in the small Italian town of Buffalora, Jesus was not the only soul to return from the dead around this time of year. Even more troubling, according the cemetery’s current caretaker, is the increasingly unmanageable number of “resurrections” that have taken place over the past two Easters.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The success of Uber, the app-based personal transportation service, has renewed the demand for independent contractors. It’s also ushered in an emerging freelance marketplace called the “gig economy.” While the model may be great for business, labor advocates say it’s horrendous for workers and the wider economy. Pushing employees to sell their services independently weakens their security, cripples their long-term financial stability and depletes their purchasing power. Employees are, after all, consumers. But with the announcement Wednesday of an app-based call service for prostitutes -- the result of a partnership between Google Maps and Unter, a heavily funded startup by a conglomerate of savvy pimps -- labor regulators worry that the rise of this new “trick economy” will wreak further damage on millions of housewives and moonlighters who are seeking part-time opportunities to strengthen their household incomes.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) relentlessly nattered his way into the history books in 2013 after a 21-hour talkathon that has been labeled a “fauxibuster” because it did not serve to stop a vote over the Affordable Care Act, as a filibuster is intended to do. Inconsequential as his rant may have seemed, the Tea Party darling managed to portray himself as a conservative folk hero for the far-right fringes of the Republican faction. Then, this month, he did something even more bizarre: he enrolled in Obamacare. The newly announced White House contender explained his decision as a sacrifice to illustrate the dangers of socialized medicine to the American people, even though it involves putting his own family at risk. As conservative political experts understand, providing a nation’s people with affordable and universal health coverage inevitably leads to the extermination of millions within an arbitrarily chosen ethnic or religious group. But Cruz wants his constituents to know that he is not all talk. He opposes government handouts. So on Tuesday, he boldly renounced all of the Hitler-esque, taxpayer funded benefits he receives as a member of the U.S. Congress.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A controversial bill about religious freedom, signed by Indiana Governor Mike Pence, provoked national outcry from civil liberties advocates and drew harsh criticism against the Midwestern state. The law is reminiscent of Arizona’s discriminatory Senate Bill 1062, and also allows business owners with strongly held religious beliefs to refuse service to gays and lesbians. Pence defended his Religious Freedom Restoration Act (SEA 101) as a means to protect the religious freedoms of Christian-based enterprises. As most people know, the wealthy and powerful evangelical Christian community that runs the country has fallen under attack in recent years by a growing number of hysterical socialists who want to curb that community’s right to exercise its practice of bigotry and intolerance -- a fundamental U.S. freedom. But Gov. Pence claims that the law’s detractors have grossly misunderstood its reach. “The bill doesn’t discriminate against gays, that’s a false assessment and a narrow view of its scope; it discriminates against all groups of people that Christians hate,” he snapped during a recent press conference.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County ushered in St. Patrick’s Day 2015 with yet another controversy, prompting Mayor Manny DiPresso to add this holiday to a growing list of celebrations that council members may soon abolish. In 2011, the festivities were overshadowed by an inflammatory speech given by a theology student, in which St. Patrick was accused of being a church assassin sent to destroy the polytheistic culture of Ireland. Tensions further escalated when the Catholic Church attempted to prohibit gays from marching in the parade. At that time, Father Preternature -- who presides over the county’s only Catholic congregation -- defended his decision, saying, “First off, [homosexuals] already have their own parade. Second, St. Patrick’s Day is a religious holiday, not an ideological movement.” Preternature enraged the mayor’s office for implying that gays had infiltrated the community. This Monday, Preternature again found himself cross with the law after parents summoned Child Protective Services to a children’s pageant he produced called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A larger-than-usual gathering of Catholics celebrating Ash Wednesday yesterday wreaked havoc among the community's predominantly white Evangelical Protestant population. According to Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, the problem began with an incident at the area Whole Foods. "At first I wasn't sure what I was seeing," Fallopian explained. "These three women were standing in line with dirt smeared all over their faces. Normally, when you politely tell a person she has something on her face, she discreetly wipes it away and thanks you. Not so much on Ash Wednesday, it turns out." Managers at Whole Foods also found the observance alien, mistaking the women for unwashed vagrants who had wandered in from Hobo Gardens, the county's segregated transient community. When the women were refused service over hygiene concerns, an altercation erupted that required police intervention.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Did you know that country music star Tim McGraw hates America? Apparently, he does. And it’s no longer a secret he’s stuffed in a closet presumably packed with gay skeletons, burqas and aborted fetuses -- he’s openly admitted it to the dismay of patriotic music lovers. “It’s innate in me to be a blue-dog Democrat. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, but that’s what I am,” he told entertainment reporters. “My wife and I and our family will do everything we can to support Obama. I like his ideas, I like his energy, and I like the statement he would make for our country to the world.” McGraw also likes to present the image of flag-waving country boy, but that flag no longer flies the glorious colors of the Confederacy. Even worse, this socialist peace-hawk is now considering a career in politics, a move that could pound the final nail into the lid of this nation’s liberty coffin.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If you live in Bennington Vale and fall into that odd one percent of the city's unwed yet heterosexual population, then February 14 can present an understandably bleak outlook. St. Valentine would probably agree. According to legend, Valentine refused to deny Christ at the exhortations of Emperor Claudius in the year 280. For this, he had his head lopped off. But not before he restored hearing and sight to the jailer's daughter. Heck of a guy. Has that "Green Mile" feel to it. It's an inspiring story; deeds most worthy of canonization. But that's not why so many people will be reading "The Bell Jar" by candlelight alone this Saturday evening. Esther Howland is why.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, Comedy Central and NBC announced the departures of two pioneering fake news icons: Jon Stewart of “The Daily Show” and Brian Williams, managing editor and anchor of “NBC Nightly News.” While the timing is said to be coincidental, the similarities are eerie. Both men are highly respected within journalism circles, they represent a progressive voice in an increasingly conservative news environment, they are friends, and they have a rare gift for delivering fabricated stories with straight-faced gravitas. Millions of Americans took to social media this afternoon to express their feelings of loss and disappointment at the void both men will leave. The one difference, however, is that Stewart heads out on a career high, while Williams exits in disgrace. Unlike Stewart’s intentionally tongue-in-cheek and satirical fictions, Williams’ were revealed to break more toward perjury than parody -- or what NBC News President Deborah Turness called “broadcrafting, not broadcasting.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Technology today has transcended the need to calculate complicated formulas or automate tedious manual processes, it’s become inextricably integrated into our lifestyles. Smartphones, tablets and laptops have transformed the way we see and interact with our world. But even these much beloved advances can’t escape the law of unintended consequences. In Nicholas Carr’s Pulitzer-nominated 2011 book “The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing To Our Brains,” neuroscientist Michael Merzenich warned that technology, like any major pharmaceutical, comes with its share of adverse side-effects. He cited a slew of potentially harmful byproducts that included disrupted sleep cycles, weakened memory, poor retention and recall, chronic forgetfulness, and diminished comprehension. But a new Republican-funded study discounts these “dubious and uninformed observations.” While still concluding that today’s technology is dangerous and perhaps deadly, GOP scientists praised Merzenich’s so-called threats as “real societal benefits to the Party.” The problem, they believe, is much more insidious: “The real peril is, in fact, uncensored access to vast amounts of information and facts, which are killing the economy and thwarting governmental efforts to keep people on the right path.” The other culprits? Wikis, e-cigarettes, Internet porn and digital books.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to the latest Farmers’ Almanac, which called its annual forecast “clime and punishment,” the frigid, bitterly cold, snow-laden winter that blighted 2014 will continue into the new year with below-normal temperatures for 75 percent of the nation. In some regions of the country, arctic air could plunge the thermometer down to 40 degrees below zero. No region, the Almanac warned, will experience “prolonged spells of above-normal temperatures.” For the myriad citizens likely to be impacted by these adverse weather conditions, a great deal of hope was placed on promises of an early spring yesterday morning from Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog who emerges from his den each February 2 to predict the length of winter. But as 12,000 freezing people gathered before dawn in western Pennsylvania, the world's most malignant marmot saw his shadow and delivered the bad news that winter will last another six weeks. Riots immediately ensued, followed by a gruesome spectacle of revenge reminiscent of an ISIS beheading.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- By now, people on the west coast of the United States know that many segments of Southern California have fallen under Muslim rule. On Monday, the elite team of Islam experts at Fox News released a map from the Clarion Project identifying at least eight U.S. states that have been toppled by regimes bent on imposing Shari’a law. These enclaves, which until now had plagued only isolated cities across the United Kingdom and France, have spread to California, Texas, Michigan, New York, Virginia, Tennessee, South Carolina and Georgia. Outside police are forbidden to enter, and extremist religious prohibitions have replaced our once liberty laden constitutional freedoms -- rules enforced by armed jihadists who patrol the enclaves. Still, the fact remains that Southern California endures as a tourist mecca, the home of Hollywood, trendy beachfront communities and the Magic Kingdom. So how does a visitor safely navigate between famous attractions and no-go zones? Here is a simple traveler’s guide, based on extensive Fox News research, to help you return home with your head attached.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, conservative leaders suffered another setback in the war on women when House Representatives reluctantly canceled a vote on a controversial bill banning abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy, instead replacing it with less extreme restrictions. The decision came one day before the anniversary of the landmark 1973 Supreme Court ruling in Roe v. Wade. But champions for the right-to-life remained undaunted. On Thursday, after a week of fevered brainstorming and amendments, influential House leaders proposed a new “female-friendly” bill. It marks a radical departure in strategy. If passed, male masturbation, in which millions of sperm are left to die on towels or tissues after ejaculation, will be outlawed -- and prosecuted as a capital offense.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, the elite team of Islam experts at Fox News released a map from the Clarion Project identifying at least eight U.S. states that have been toppled by Muslim regimes -- the latest casualties in the alarming rise of “no-go zones.” These enclaves, which until now had plagued only isolated cities across the United Kingdom and France, appear to be spreading. Conservative lawmakers and foreign policy analysts warn that Muslim-controlled no-go zones will continue to infect societies like a global contagion if serious measures are not taken to contain the outbreak. Others say we’re already too late. With the release of a new photo transmitted by NASA’s Curiosity Rover -- showing the silhouette of a man tinkering with the spacecraft, which is stationed on Mars -- anti-terrorism authorities at Fox News believe the crisis has reached galactic proportions.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a rare display of restraint and solidarity, police officers around the nation refrained from gunning down unarmed black children, teens and adults in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which was observed Monday. Based on data compiled from the Fatal Encounters project, approximately 673 African Americans were killed in a hail of police gunfire between 2013 and 2014. But even that figure remains a conservative estimate, as nobody knows precisely how many Americans are slaughtered by frightened patrolmen each year. Criminal justice experts point out that while the federal government and national research groups track mortality figures for unprovoked shark attacks, no reliable data exist to calculate the exact number of people butchered by aggressive police officers each year. With the release of newly obtained footage of Bridgeton, N.J., officers shooting yet another unarmed black man attempting to comply with their orders, peacekeeping agencies around the country assured the public that they will resume their race-based killing sprees soon.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The folks at In Touch, Life & Style are in touch with neither Bruce Jenner’s life nor style, according to ex-wife Kris Jenner, matriarch of the Kardashian clan. The magazine’s controversial cover, which bears the title “My Life as a Woman” and depicts the former Olympian in drag and cosmetics, attempts to out Bruce as preparing for a new life as a transgender person. The image is garish and shocking, but it also turns out to be fake. Staffers at the magazine Photoshopped the picture. And that has Kris outraged. “It’s just mean to do whether or not it’s true,” she fired back, somewhat equivocally. “Worse than that, it’s not even his shade of lipstick. Bruce would never apply such an unflattering pink; not with his complexion. Don’t even get me started on the rouge and eye shadow. I swear, it’s like a box of Crayolas vomited.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although temperatures are climbing back into the upper 70s and lower 80s -- the cool winter weather Californians are accustomed to -- January has been an unusually frosty affair, with daytime highs barely reaching the 60s. Yes, this brutal winter has hit the Southland hard. Hipsters say they’ve been forced to knit beard warmers. Beachgoers have resorted to wearing sarongs and hoodies. And many homeowners have confessed to firing up their jacuzzis, months before spa season. It was especially frigid on January 7 when locals packed the Bennington Vale Chick-fil-A to escape the cold for a spell. These diners were soon joined by a disheveled man -- clearly one of the homeless bankers from Hobo Gardens, the county’s “extro-urban” transient community. But Chick-fil-A, to the wide grins and approving nods of every patron in the restaurant, honored its Christian values by providing the hungry man with a free meal -- and then promptly wrested it from his grubby hands after identifying him as gay.

“The U.S. government has spent so much of its time spying on American citizens that if the attacks came from Sony, we would have known about it long ago.” -- FBI Director James Comey

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Wednesday, after nearly a month of speculation and circular arguments, FBI Director James Comey staunchly defended his bureau’s claim that North Korea orchestrated the cyber-attack against Sony Pictures in retaliation for its film “The Interview,” which depicts a farcical attempt by two American entertainment journalists to assassinate Kim Jong-un. The U.S. government has endured weeks of criticism from cybersecurity experts who believe the attacks originated from a source inside Sony. Comey responded that these private-sector lackeys “don’t have the facts that I have.” Regardless of where responsibility for the hacking falls, government officials feel confident that the evidence will point to a foreign source. “The U.S. government has spent so much of its time spying on American citizens that if the attacks came from Sony, we would have known about it long ago,” Comey stressed.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since North Korea’s alleged hacking of Sony Pictures, a belligerent response to the film studio’s lowbrow comedy about two TV interviewers who gain access to the rogue nation and are subsequently tasked by the CIA to kill its dictator, the DPRK has reclaimed its place in headline news. But not necessarily for what many might think. Rather than discussing the ever-erratic antics of Pyongyang’s minuscule but tyrannical autocrat, Americans are buzzing about a new fad in weight loss based on the North Korean diet of tree bark and dirt, which is sure to help millions keep their resolutions to shed unwanted pounds in 2015.