SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s detractors were given a precious gift this past Monday in the shape of a debate performance riddled with false statements, incorrect facts, petty attempts at character assassination, ad hominem attacks, misogyny, fat shaming, racial insensitivity and the temperamental antics of a generally unhinged human being. In fact, most critics argued that Trump only got one thing right: there are 28 members in NATO. However, that count has now doubled. Since the debate, Trump has insisted that audio problems in the room hindered his appearance. The Republican presidential candidate placed the lion’s share of the blame on his microphone. This Friday, the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) confirmed the claim.

Trump’s Mysterious Microphone

Following the sometimes Shakespearean tragicomedy that was his poor showing, Trump told reporters that he was given a defective microphone. Of course, he also floated the implication of intentional sabotage.

“They gave me a defective mic,” Trump said. “Did you notice that? My mic was defective within the room. I wonder, was that on purpose? Was that on purpose? But I had a mic that didn’t work properly.”

He also pointed out that an hour before the debate, the sound system operated normally: “When I tested, it was beautiful, like an hour before, I said what a great mic.”

Fact checkers doubted Trump’s assertion that he specifically complimented the equipment.

“What a moronic thing for a person to say,” one media watchdog observed. “Who goes through a soundcheck and then makes a point to praise the mic? A liar. Someone who added that hogwash to his comment to bolster an imaginary argument.”

Trump, in his unique rhetorical idiom, contested the accusation: “That 500-pound c**t at Media Matters or whatever outlet said that, she’s an idiot. Maybe she’s on her period, I don’t know. I don’t know whether she’s on her period. She could be, right? On her period? Maybe it’s her time of the month. You know how hysterical women get on their periods or when they’re PMS-ing. They eat a lot. And they tell fibs. And they yell and act like pigs. I said it was a great mic. It was a beautiful mic. A grand old mic. I’d put that mic on the flag, right under the star for New York. I said that, too, to all the guys working the board, and to the roadies and the Mexicans with a cables and that mulatto who was taping everything to the stage. I said that to them, I said, you know, what a great mic.”

In a statement released September 30, the CPD cryptically admitted that something may have interfered with Mr Trump’s audio.

Regarding the first debate, there were issues regarding Donald Trump's audio that affected the sound level in the debate hall.

The CPD has not responded with additional clarification, but sources at Hofstra University’s AV department think they know what happened.

Experimental Google Software Accidentally Left Connected to Mic

October 4 marks Google’s big launch party for a slew of new products that Hiroshi Lockheimer, the company’s SVP of Android, Chrome OS, and Google Play, promotes as historic. Two products in particular found their way into the hands of Hofstra’s internal engineering staff.

One device is Google Home, a rival to Amazon’s Echo. The digital assistant “will be able to play music, control smart home devices, and send and receive media over Google Cast,” according to Google representatives. Like Echo, it responds to voice commands and can talk back. Another offering is Andromeda, a powerful new operating system that combines Chrome OS and Android. Google envisions this platform to shape the future of its technology ecosystem. Both Google Home and Andromeda are driven by advanced artificial intelligence.

On condition of anonymity, one Hofstra staffer confessed that these yet-to-be-released products were left connected to the equipment controlling Trump’s microphone.

“We all remember the disaster that was Tay, Microsoft’s first foray into AI,” the employee said. “This chatbot actually tweeted, ‘Hitler would have done a better job than the monkey we have now. donald trump is the only hope we've got.’ That’s the downside of AI -- it learns how to respond by studying the conversations of real people.”

The Hofstra technician went on to explain that the Google systems likely picked up on the negative statements being made about Trump in the media.

“Basically, whenever Mr. Trump leaned into his microphone to talk, the Google tech took over,” he added.

We may never know what Donald Trump’s actual points and counterpoints were. What we have learned is that Google’s latest advances responded on his behalf, replicating the slanderous, hateful, bigoted and borderline criminal vitriol Trump is usually credited with spewing. Google could not be reached for comment, however a former programmer praised the system’s eerie ability to precisely mimic Trump’s voice, erratic speech patterns, confrontational tone and otherwise bizarre demeanor.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.