SAN NARCISO, Calif. (
Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump faced his worst nightmare Sunday evening: two women and an openly gay man telling him to stop talking. The second presidential debate, within moments of kicking off, found Hillary Clinton and the event’s moderators strafed by a hostile and incessant blast of salvos from Trump. Complicating the appearance was Trump’s unnerving, predatory posturing throughout the town hall-style interaction. The intimidating experience recalled elements of the first debate, but with a greater sense of existential dread, unqualified claims, blatant falsehoods and unrestrained invectives. Of course, Trump’s advisers offered up rehearsed excuses, with his campaign manager going so far as to anticipate problems and tweet a preemptive apology. Still, fascinating as it seems, the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) again confirmed
problems with Trump’s microphone.
Trump Plagued by History of Problems with His Equipment
This time, the issues did not arise from a rogue artificial intelligence program as in the first round of talks, CPD officials stated.
“The device was inherently defective this time; nothing came out of it but hate, nonsense, ignorance and garbage,” a CPD analyst revealed. “You could chalk it up to bad luck, but in talking with Mr. Trump’s past spouses and lovers, we learned that he has a history of malfunctioning and substandard equipment.”
Investigators with the commission, in cooperation with Washington University staff, blamed poorly adjusted volume control and sound engineering. Many of Trump’s responses were unintelligible and muffled. Only words such as “hate,” “ISIS,” “China,” “locker room,” “rape” and “grab them by the p***y” were picked up clearly by the device. Another complication, according to the CPD, sprang from faulty wiring in the mic, which sent an ongoing series of electric shocks through Trump’s body.
“You could tell Mr. Trump was enduring extreme physical discomfort,” the analyst explained. “Notice his aggressive pacing around the the stage, like a starving shark looking for chum. His jerky and almost drunken gait. The infantile tantrums. The irritability in his voice and demeanor. And even that time he humped the chair. These were all clear indicators that Trump was struggling. We’re impressed that he persevered and refused to quit, no matter how frightening, juvenile or ridiculous he looked.”
After reviewing initial footage of Trump’s mic fitting, CPD officials speculated that Trump’s profuse sweating and inexplicable cataract of nasal drip may have shorted the wiring in his device.
Highlights from the Second Presidential Debate: Crazy Train Derails Near Crazy Town
Despite the ranting and accusatory nature of the debate, the topics presented a more focused examination of core issues: foreign affairs, terrorism, civil rights and social reform chief among them. Following are highlights from our reporters, who covered the event live from their homes in order to drink heavily without embarrassment or reprisals from the usual crowd at the sports bar of Piers Addleson’s Pea House.
TRUMP described Iran as the number one terrorist state in the world -- a country, unlike North Korea, without validated nuclear weapons production, or a country, unlike the United States, with no ties to al Qaeda. Iran also fiercely opposes ISIL. Trump countered criticisms by telling media that he has actionable intelligence on the matter.
“I know Iran’s the number one terror state,” he said. “I know, and I have intelligence. It’s good intelligence, it’s the best intelligence, and if you saw it you’d understand, and you’d say, ‘Donald, that’s great intelligence and Iran is the biggest threat in the world.’ And when I’m president, I’ll show it to you all.”
TRUMP: “You have ISIS chopping off heads and people being drowned in steel cages.” As we’ve learned, you also have Donald Trump grabbing those p***ies.
TRUMP’s avowed doctrine of “knocking the hell out of ISIS” and grabbing genitals is a unique foreign policy, to say the least.
TRUMP spent the first half of the debate expressing his disgust and abhorrence for ISIS, though he evidently shares their unflattering views of womenfolk.
GOP insiders suspect that Trump may appoint disgraced Stanford swimming champ Brock Turner to head his women’s outreach program. Turner is otherwise unemployable, and he’s intimately versed in reaching out to, and inside of, women.
TRUMP’s attorneys admitted that Rob Ford may in fact have a position as Trump’s dealer. “Trump got extra COKED up for tonight’s debate,” one reporter wrote. “Like, a heroic dose of booger sugar that would make William Burroughs or Hunter S. Thompson faint.”
TRUMP, the man who pays no taxes, endorsed wasting taxpayer money on an expensive witch hunt to prosecute his political opponent, Hillary Clinton -- an announcement that made Joseph McCarthy, and Joseph Stalin for that matter, seem gentle by comparison.
BOTH CANDIDATES continued to evade the real security threat facing this country -- the spreading menace of Creepy Clowns.
TRUMP’s eerie proximity to Clinton unnerved audience members and viewers. “Like, you know, he’s moving to grab her p***y,” one reporter mentioned on Twitter.
ON ISLAM, Trump reinforced his stance on banning Muslims from the country, but proposed a scaled back approach that would supersede his initial plans of outright exclusion or deportation. Several considerations arose.
Despite Trump’s efforts to sell the novelty of his idea, we’ve seen similar reporting standards for certain religions before.
Trump called for “extreme vetting” rather than exile. Progressive voters immediately displayed their outrage and concerns about constitutionality across social media. However, Trump has a legal U.S. precedent from the George W. Bush administration, in the form of a tacitly tolerated policy known as “enhanced interrogation.”
Trump may have found an ingenious way to reopen Ellis Island, a lucrative real estate transaction that could surpass his previous deals, which historically ended in billion-dollar losses.
Trump lost ground when he updated an old racist joke from a generation ago. In this iteration, the American dream is a Mexican drug lord swimming back home with a Muslim under each arm.
ON RUSSIA, Trump adamantly denied having a relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin, or of really knowing him. Facts aside, some political analysts believe Trump made an accurate remark, in a sense. They also hailed the moment as the saddest of the debate.
Behind closed doors with his private confidants, Trump has allegedly confessed: “I don’t know Putin. Not really know him, you know? When I say I don’t know him, I’m not saying I’m not acquainted with him, I’m saying I don’t know HIM -- the man behind the gorgeous muscles. Not truly. Because Vlad never looks me in the eyes when we make love.”
TRUMP urged Muslims to report people engaged in suspicious activities, as a way to build credibility in the country. Millions of Muslims heeded his advice and contacted Missouri authorities to report a lunatic running loose around Washington University. Millions of others filed complaints about a Creepy Clown spotted in the same area.
TRUMP’s erratic and uncomfortable movements culminated in him gripping the back of a chair like former coach Bobby Knight. Off mic, security personnel and Clinton handlers shouted for Hillary to “get the hell out of the way!”
TRUMP veered off script and began discussing business processes and economics, mostly targeting depreciation. At this point, the majority of Americans on social networks acknowledged that “we all depreciate you, Donald.”
TRUMP mused over the possibility of building casinos, which he believes may stop the bombings and Russian airstrikes in Syria.
ALEPPO: Gary Johnson was seen frantically pulling out his hair trying to understand how a popular dog food brand from the 1980s has become a pressing political issue.
TRUMP, when questioned about his running mate’s contradictory statements on Russia, exposed one of the most telling aspects of his relationship with Mike Pence: “He and I haven’t spoken, and I disagree.” To the dismay of conservative loyalists, it appears that Trump and Pence are already that estranged couple slogging through a marriage of livable hatred.
Pence was spotted hours later at an airport, trying to leave the country for Costa Rica in disguise. Security personnel noticed fresh bruises on Pence’s face, though the full extent of the damage was obscured by the wig and false beard. Through security camera footage, a TSA officer was heard asking Pence, “Did Donald do this to you?”
Sobbing, Pence replied, “Daddy hits me because he loves me.”
CLINTON remarked that psychologists and neurologists have already coined a term about the detrimental effects of Trump’s rhetoric on others. On Monday, the American Journal of Science enshrined the condition as PTTD: Post Traumatic Trump Disorder. About 30 percent of the nation’s population may be suffering the devastating effects without knowing it.
TRUMP provided the following detailed overview of his military strategy:
MARTHA RADDATZ, one of the moderators, censured the candidates for arguing over their positions instead of taking a question from the audience. In essence, Raddatz astutely illustrated how the campaigns have misrepresented proper U.S political processes, in which the federal government serves the needs of the people. The presidential candidates don’t want to hear from the public, Martha. That's not how modern politics work, duh.
TRUMP challenged Clinton’s ability to install effective new justices on the Supreme Court. He told voters that he has already selected 20 candidates, to demonstrate his commitment to these duties. Media watchdogs and political strategists revealed that all 20 of Trump’s SCOTUS picks were judges from beauty pageants. But respected judges in their idioms, nonetheless.
CLINTON clarified to the audience that she respects the Second Amendment, but really doesn’t like anything about it -- in the same manner workers must respect a horrible manager’s title and authority, even when they have no respect for the individual.
TRUMP accused Clinton of putting minors out of jobs. Most U.S. teens are too young to work legally, so this made little sense. (Update: Oh, MINERS. Sorry.)
At the close of the debate, citizens of the nation were reminded that this is one of the most consequential elections in history...with two of the most inconsequential candidates running.
(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.
