Happy birthday, Hillary Clinton. Rest in peace, America.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday evening, analysts discovered shocking new secrets in the trove of Clinton emails uncovered by Wikileaks. Wednesday, October 26, for example, was revealed to be Mrs. Clinton’s birthday. And the accompanying celebratory messages, well wishes and gift lists illustrate not just Hillary’s favorite things, but what a significant danger she is to American democracy.

The Birth of a Female Political Powerhouse and the Death of a Nation

It’s no secret that Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have waged a virtual war of veracity against each other on the campaign trail. Clinton continues to demand that Trump release his tax returns. Despite his myriad excuses to justify the non-disclosure, Trump’s claims remain dubious in the opinions of accountants and legal experts.

On the other side of the battle stands Trump, who has fired off blistering rounds of unsavory accusations against his rival for deleting 33,000 private emails that contained government-related communications during her tenure as a senator and secretary of the State Department. However, Julian Assange and Wikileaks have taken care of Clinton’s issue by publishing the documents.

According to the information discovered, Clinton will turn 69 this Wednesday, October 26. While her advanced age is a concern to Republican detractors who question her fitness for duty, it comes as a relief to others who have written off the feasibility of a Trump regime.

“I’m not at all in favor of a woman president, but at her age she’s probably gone through menopause,” remarked Gov. Mike Pence in another odd comment that further distanced him from his running mate. “So no PMS and no emotional mood swings that could lead to a wine- and Häagen-Dazs-fueled orgy of despair, which ends with her finger on the launch button.”

But conservative political watchdogs say the seemingly pleasant birthday emails depict a severe national threat.

Horrifying Revelations in Hillary’s Birthday Emails

Carlisle Olden-Whitely -- chairman of San Narciso’s Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- provided an exclusive interpretation of the correspondence to The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript, captured in a series of rambling voicemails. Our offices closed prematurely this afternoon due to a “misunderstanding” with eight past utility bills. Following is a transcript of Olden-Whitely’s call.

Hello? This is Carlisle Olden-Whitely again. I’m calling back in regard to the Clinton emails, particularly those about her birthday tomorrow. They’re ... they’re just staggering. And awful and terrifying. Hillary didn’t get that pony she wanted on her sweet sixteenth, but she made an annual habit of donning her birthday suit and going to town on Bill’s bologna pony. How can we entrust our national security to a woman who would willingly bed a known adulterer? At least Donald Trump had the decency to divorce his wives and marry his mistresses, which essentially legitimizes the transaction, so to speak. Wipes the carnal transgressions away and cleans the moral slate with the purity of God’s blessings in holy matrimony. But that’s nothing.

Clinton likes lamb on her special day. She’s admitted that it’s her favorite meat, not Bill. Kidding. But seriously, lamb? You know who enjoys lamb? Islamic terrorists and bankrupt, buggering Greeks. Guess what else. For several of her birthday dinners in the White House, she requested the chef to cook up Middle Eastern dishes like hummus, baba ghanoush, and tahini. Sweet Christ, that’s the fare of ISIS and al Qaeda. Remember, her husband had the chance to kill Osama bin Laden around 1998. He made a judgment call to abort the mission to prevent taking innocent lives in surrounding areas. Look how many innocent lives that cost us. Now it all makes sense. Hummus, falafel, shawarma, tabouli, TERRORISM! And the Clintons just wiping the blood from their hands with napkins from a Lebanese takeout joint.

You know what else? Clinton says she likes to eat jalapenos on the campaign trail. Mexican food. The hardcore stuff. I know, but follow along. In one of her birthday emails, Chelsea asks her mom what she’s planning to do. Hillary responds, “Swimming. I love to swim, it’s absolutely one of my favorite things.” Yeah, it’s also the preferred pastime of dirty illegal immigrants who like to cross the Rio Grande from Mexico so they can take our jobs and make anchor babies. I don’t think it’s a stretch of the imagination to wonder whether Clinton is involved with those coyotajes who smuggle filthy aliens past Customs and Border Patrol. The Mexican vote made a huge difference for Slick Willy. I’d say Hillary is stacking the deck and hedging her bet. One big tamale of corruption. And people laugh when Trump says the election’s rigged.

I also read that when she moved to New York, Hillary had her home redecorated as a birthday present. “Lots of color,” she explained. “I love color.” Translation: I love minorities and entitlements and welfare and refugees. Let’s face it, we can’t let this traitor take charge of the country’s highest office. And it looks as though she could. So here’s your lede, guys: Happy birthday, Hillary; rest in peace, America.

As new information comes in, we’ll continue to follow the story.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.