SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump triumphed Tuesday night in his surprise victory over political rival Hillary Clinton, proving once again that the nation must never underestimate the power of frightened white people. As Trump’s electoral lead grew throughout the night, global financial markets crashed. However, they rose again early Wednesday after Trump’s polished acceptance speech. His ascendency also benefited some businesses directly. Rosetta Stone, provider of educational foreign language software, saw its revenues soar as millions of Americans signed up, frantically hoping to master Canadian French, German, Spanish and even British English. But for joyous conservatives, a Trump presidency spells welcome change -- in a doctrine of no change at all, or reverting back to the idyllic America of the 1950s. Most importantly, Trump will be the first commander-in-chief to finally win the bitter war on women.

A Predatory President?

Trump’s predatory nature, his demeaning comments toward women and his flagrant body shaming have demoralized the nation’s female population, regardless of age. Last month, to sate Trump’s unsavory urges, Pence reportedly purchased a custom-made sex doll that replicates the physical dimensions and aesthetics of a woman. Pence defended the unorthodox decision as a way for Trump to appease his predatory tendencies without actually assaulting women or raping teenage girls.

The fact remains that Trump’s reputation in upholding women’s rights and gender parity has suffered throughout the contentious campaign. But the president elect has vowed to finally win the war on women.

“My agenda is as pro-woman as it is pro-immigrant,” Trump told reporters. “To my shrill, whiny critics I say take off the dress and deal with the real issues. Stop crying a like a bunch of stupid girls, man up and grab the problem by the p***y.”

Trump Blames Democrats for War on Women

The newly elected president blamed Obama’s failed economic policies for the erosion of gender rights and the denigration of female citizens. Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s campaign manager, defended her candidate’s various positions on women -- positions that many others have described in lurid detail.

Tragically, when asked about Trump’s plans for sustaining or repealing The Lilly Ledbetter Act, a confused Conway reflected for a moment and then gushed over Trump’s love of “Ledbelly” and early American blues in general. The reporter had to reiterate the act’s purpose of ensuring equal pay for women. Conway then responded, “ISIS, death, terrorism.”

Equal Treatment Hinders Women’s Development

Trump’s position is that the American economy works best as a meritocracy, not an emasculated communist nanny state.

“It’s just practical business strategy,” Trump explained. “Equal isn’t fair. There’s a distinction we must draw. If my administration starts following this ‘everybody’s equal’ crap, we’d be doing more harm than good to our lovely ladies. We’d put them into positions they’re simply not skilled at. I mean, if you want to dig up an old dirt road and lay some pipe, you’re not going to get results from a woman. Their failure then becomes our failure. And when they’re fired for poor performance, it hinders them from finding new opportunities, like in food preparation or custodial roles. It’s disastrous.”

Trump also warned that equal treatment means precisely that: “If I’m paying an Uber driver the same as a surgeon, I expect the driver to perform a successful liver transplant. If he’s Indian, he probably could. Indian doctors come over here and, for some stupid reason, steal jobs from taxi drivers. But let’s say the Indian driver isn’t a surgeon. So when he botches my liver procedure, I want to know I can fire him. Right? That’s fair.”

“If we force businesses to create equal standards, then women will have to abide by stricter attendance policies,” Trump added. “No 12-week maternity leave, no excused absences once a month for cramps, no tolerance for behavior problems while they’re PMS-ing, and no ducking out of working lunches at the Stacked Rack Shack."

Trump did emphasize that there are jobs where women traditionally outperform their male colleagues.

“Women have superior cooking, cleaning and sewing skills,” he said. “They surpass men in those industries, I think. Even Mexicans and Chinamen. Women are generally better test subjects for feminine hygiene products, too. And in my professional experience, they’re better salespeople. Now I know sales is a field dominated by men, but I’ve never seen a man close a deal as effectively as a woman. Men don’t have the physical appeal. And when push comes to shove, men aren’t good at nagging buyers into a decision.”

The bottom line, Trump stressed, is fairness. He invoked an old adage: “You teach a woman to fish, her family eats for a lifetime. You give a woman a fish, what happens? She’ll want the government to stock the lake, bring in illegal aliens to catch the fish, and then demand that we pay for a state-run deli to prepare them for her.”

President Trump Winning the War on Women

Like another great Republican, Abraham Lincoln, Donald Trump stands poised to transform himself into a great emancipator. For far too long have the country’s free market enterprises labored under the tyranny of policies that enforce equal treatment for half the population. Affirmative action rules, diversity initiatives and inclusion mandates have forced employers to promote hysterical, emotionally unpredictable and inexperienced females into leadership roles. And that has produced catastrophic economic fallout.

Carly Fiorina destroyed computing giant Hewlett-Packard. Marissa Mayer gutted Internet pioneer Yahoo!

“And Tim Cook, a homo who may as well have lady parts, is rotting Apple from the inside out, like a worm with a p***y,” Trump proclaimed. “Go on, Eve, take another bite and see where that gets us!”

Although Trump and Pence have openly endorsed an aggressive, faith-based restructuring of civil rights, the heads of the new administration assured women that forthcoming legislative changes would not be implemented with misogynistic intentions.

Making Rape Great Again

To help police and judges sift through the mountains of rape claims that clutter their desks each week, Trump and Pence have reconsidered Todd Akin’s “legitimate rape” concept.

The threat of violence is the defining factor in differentiating between legitimate and illegitimate rape. When one party physically forces another to have sexual intercourse without consent, using violence, the rape is justified as such. However, abducting a woman with the intent of coercing her into sex acts without immediate consent, absent the threat of bodily harm, is merely ravishing -- also referred to in Europe as a Viking Valentine. It’s for this reason that Brock Turner served only a three-month sentence for giving a Stanford student such a token of affection.

Preventative Abortion Education

During the vice presidential debate, Gov. Mike Pence laid out his stance on pregnancy termination in no uncertain terms. But the Trump administration, he urged, would do everything possible to make abortions unnecessary options.

Abortions, Pence argued, are not acceptable forms of birth control. He compared to procedure to legalizing “buyer’s remorse,” which would set a dangerous precedent.

“Imagine how that could snowball and impact our local businesses, when any unwanted item can be returned after it’s already used and worn,” he said. “I believe that not dressing in evocative clothing, drinking excessively or flirting with strangers are the best ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies. With the new healthcare laws in place, how many taxpayers want to cover the fiscal and moral costs for a woman’s irresponsible decision? That’s an issue best left to families, not the courts.”

Pence challenged the claims of detractors that defunding Planned Parenthood or preventing physicians from performing abortions in life-threatening cases would create new risks.

“That’s absurd,” Pence remarked. “What medical proof exists to suggest that performing an abortion will save someone’s life? If anything, it’s ending a life.”

In terms of shuttering Planned Parenthood and Obama’s mandatory contraception initiative, Pence said the decision to use birth control should remain a private sin between a girl and her God. He explained that the new administration would actively fund abstinence education programs and introduce established scientific principles that could help women ward off unplanned pregnancies, even in incidents of rape.

Pence quoted a British legal text from the 13th century: “If, however, the woman should have conceived at the time alleged in the appeal, it abates, for without a woman’s consent she could not conceive.”

He also cited Samuel Farr’s 1814 treatise Elements of Medical Jurisprudence, which elaborates: “For without an excitation of lust, or the enjoyment of pleasure in the venereal act, no conception can probably take place. So that if an absolute rape were to be perpetrated, it is not likely she would become pregnant.”

Pence noted that cabinet advisers have further worked to police the behavior of men, who admittedly bear some portion of responsibility in the butchering of unborn lives.

“It’s not just about limiting the choices women legally have right now,” he explained. “It’s also about imposing rules that limit the choices men will have.”

Pence insinuated that Trump will fight tirelessly to persuade Congress to consider a bill that would ban male masturbation -- and even sign an executive order if those efforts faltered.

The average male produces nearly 525 billion sperm cells during the course of his lifetime. But scientists point out that over a billion are shed each month in activities unrelated to procreation. During the selfish act of masturbation, for instance, a healthy adult male squanders between 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm in a single ejaculation. Even more alarming, the median masturbation frequency for a typical man is five times per week. That means, by the most conservative estimates, 200 million sperm -- 200 million potential infants -- are senselessly left to die in old tube socks each week.

Learn More About Your New Rights Under Trump

To learn more about your new rights under President Trump, download a copy of his revised U.S. Constitution.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.