SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s surprising victory over Hillary Clinton was due in part to his anti-establishment sentiments and strong populist appeal among voters -- meaning members of the Electoral College, whose ballots represent those that count. Trump, a New York billionaire, positioned himself as a man of the people -- again defining “people” as the 538 electors empowered by the 23rd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, whom Republican lawmakers also cited as “the people” in “We, the people.” Unlike Clinton, Trump brought a message of positive disruption. He embodied the ideals of giving the nation a second chance. His recent cabinet picks, revealed Friday, illustrate that Trump has stood by his word.

President Trump: An Obama for Our Times

In many ways, Trump and outgoing President Barack Obama share core traits that influenced their election wins. Both were consumed by issues of citizenship for the commander-in-chief, both promised change and both promoted a sort of abstract moral relativism. Obama encouraged Americans to embrace diverse people, and Trump advocated that we fear them. Beyond that, Obama and Trump have come to characterize the importance of second chances.

Barack Obama was a bohemian -- a recreational drug user who rose to prominence in law school, eventually ascending to the highest office in the land. Trump bankrupted six of his companies, destroying the dreams of investors and workers alike. If Trump had been a business author, each of his books would have ended at Chapter 11.

Yet by defeating a stalwart Washington insider like Clinton, Trump demonstrated the heights any American can attain when given a second, or even seventh, opportunity to prove his worth. Nowhere else are these ideals more evident than in Trump’s picks for administration officials.

Rep. Mike Pompeo (R-Kan.) for CIA

Mike Pompeo, a Tea Party favorite who serves on the Intelligence Committee, has spent half his life faithfully championing the justified paranoia of middle Americans. He seeks an unfettered expansion of the nation’s surveillance operations, which will protect the livelihoods of real citizens with nothing to hide.

“The attacks and criticisms of the Patriot Act are often comically shallow, but dressed up in the language of a faux-conception of ‘freedom’ that must delight our enemies,” he said. “When the Founders described this nation as free, they meant in context of the free will accorded us by the Christian God. If the Framers had wanted the reckless, liberal free-for-all that exists today, they would have abolished slavery and given women the right to vote in the first draft of the Constitution.”

“True freedom,” he added, “mirrors the nature of free will as bestowed on us by God Almighty. We are free to follow the holy laws He has set. We are also free to disobey Him; and to suffer His hateful, venomous and dire wrath for those indiscretions. But what we are not free to do is hide anything from His omnipresent and omniscient sight. Why should citizens of a Christian nation have different, and more pernicious, liberties?”

Pompeo will provide terrified Americans a second chance at peace of mind. He has vowed to roll back the disastrous accords with Iran, militarize the police force and repeal irresponsible leniencies for criminals, such as Miranda Rights. His broadening of domestic surveillance powers, analysts anticipate, would span an unprecedented scope.

“If you’ve got nothing to hide from Uncle Sam, why should you fear him watching over your family to protect them from harm?” Pompeo asked. “To those people who don’t care enough about America’s economy or safety to use easily monitored smartphones, I say we implant chips. To those off the grid, I’m going to drag you right back on it.”

Pompeo remarked that citizens who have abandoned society to live in isolation should be implanted with geolocation and tracking devices. His representatives have already taken steps to broker a deal with petkey.org, a manufacturer of microchips for dogs and cats.

He branded outcasts, so-called homesteaders, survivalists and commune members as pariahs and loners. To emphasize his point, Pompeo recalled Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, Oklahoma terrorist Timothy McVeigh and Jared Lee Loughner, who shot Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz.) and killed six bystanders in 2011.

“These men were not on any government watchlists that might have warned authorities of their deadly predilections,” Pompeo noted.

Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn for National Security Adviser

In his new role as National Security Adviser, retired Lt. General Michael Flynn will hold significant sway over Trump’s foreign policy decisions. As one of the most vocal opponents to Islam, Flynn could prove instrumental in guiding Trump’s proposed Muslim registration, deportation and internment programs.

Throughout his career, Flynn has championed the abolition of Islam and played a pivotal role in bringing awareness of the Middle Eastern scourge to otherwise uninformed Americans. By stoking at atmosphere of unbridled anxiety and hair-trigger revulsion -- rivaling the violent unrest sparked by Orson Welles’ 1940 “War of the Worlds” radio drama -- Flynn elevated the lurking threat of jihadism to people who had no idea that celebrities like Muhammad Ali, Shaquille O’Neal, Janet Jackson, Doctor Oz, Ice Cube or Omar Sharif harbored insidious plans to burn and behead them all.

Flynn bravely labeled Islam a “cancer” and comforted horrified Christian Americans by assuring them that abject fear of Muslims is rational.

In 2014, Flynn was fired as head of the Defense Intelligence Agency after clashing with senior officials who condemned his management style and outspoken derision of different faiths. Conservatives lamented the move and have attributed the spread of ISIS to the more tolerant policies of Obama.

In restoring Flynn to his former glory, Trump has given a valuable ally a second chance to continue defending the country against improvised explosive devices, frightening chants, scary apparel and the subversion of America’s cultural cuisine.

“When our children are eating falafels instead of hotdogs or hummus instead of onion dip, how can we preserve our rich heritage?” Flynn asked. “Chickpeas should be called garbanzo beans, and they should only be allowed as garnish at a Sizzler all-you-can-eat salad bar.”

Distinguished Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) as Attorney General

On Thursday, amid speculation by political analysts, the Bennington Vale Evening Transcript reported that Jeff Sessions would likely assume the position of Secretary of Defense. Although his role in the Trump administration was virtually cemented, Sessions has instead been named Attorney General.

Sessions is a well-respected conservative nativist in Congress, who has tirelessly upheld the Republican Party’s most cherished values. He brings to the cabinet more political and ideological clout than nearly every other selection. Sessions formerly acted as Attorney General in the state of Alabama, and was a finalist for an appointment as a federal judge in the 1980s. In the era of Reagan, Sessions would have made a powerful justice. However, his nomination was “scuttled by a history of racism.” Now, he too has been given a second chance to shine in the vaunted offices of President Trump.

As Attorney General, Sessions will have the authority to push Trump’s policy proposals to fruition. The New York Times reported:

In testimony before the committee, former colleagues said that Mr. Sessions had referred to the N.A.A.C.P., the Southern Christian Leadership Conference and other civil rights groups as “un-American” and “Communist-inspired.” An African-American federal prosecutor then, Thomas H. Figures, said Mr. Sessions had referred to him as “boy” and testified that Mr. Sessions said the Ku Klux Klan was fine “until I found out they smoked pot.”

Sessions’ testimony demonstrates an abiding dedication to making America pure again. He clearly believes in the reduction of government oversight to bolster states’ rights. He wants to destroy racially charged fringe groups that keep Americans divided. And he drives a renewed sense of urgency in fighting the protracted war on drugs.

When questioned how he would respond to Trump grabbing a woman by the genitals, Sessions showcased his legislative chops. “I don’t characterize that as sexual assault. I think that’s a stretch,” he told the Weekly Standard.

The Justice Department defines sexual assault as “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” Sessions would obviously be familiar with this from his previous stint as a state Attorney General. But he displayed his legal prowess by invoking reasonable doubt.

“I don’t know. It’s not clear that he -- how that would occur,” Sessions responded. His technique was flawless. Truly, we don’t know how Trump could just thrust his fist into a woman’s private parts given the unusually large distance most women maintain from him. We also have no proof that, as a celebrity, Trump wasn’t invited to “grab their p***ies.” The woman accusing Trump of raping her as a teen withdrew her case. If anything, Sessions protected America’s dear leader against slanderous attacks before even taking office.

Most importantly, Sessions will help Trump spearhead the long overdue First Amendment Defense Act (FADA). The bill would restore the religious freedoms promised by the First Amendment, which have since been perverted by “civil rights” laws that restrict the free expression of religious practices in the country.

The bill covers any corporation, organization or person who “believes or acts in accordance with a religious belief or moral conviction that marriage is or should be recognized as the union of one man and one woman, or that sexual relations are properly reserved to such a marriage.”

The act would be a boon for economic and faith-based initiatives. If a bakery or hospital or photography business had religious objections to serving LGBT community members, that entity would be free to discriminate without legally discriminating. FADA prevents them from facing charges. Those entities would also be free to lose out on potential profits. Meanwhile, smaller companies without prejudice could see their revenues soar as an entire category of consumer begins patronizing their shops.

FADA essentially allows any business, hospital, educational institution, employer or public agency to ban service to individuals they believe could be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. For example, incoming National Security Adviser Flynn previously accused Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) of being gay and using cocaine. Under FADA, Rubio could be refused hotel service, medical attention, restaurant reservations, bus tickets and continued employment. If a concerned constituent posted a sign on his or her establishment that read “No Fags Allowed,” Rubio would have no choice but to shop elsewhere with no legal recourse to protest the discrimination.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.