PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It’s that magical time of year again! And just as our Dear Leader Donald Trump will make America Great Again, your San Narciso County Police Department, in conjunction with San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce, wants to restore the greatness and safety of your post-Obama holiday season. The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 3, 2016. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. Such property includes tables, American flags large enough to drift into the floats, crosses over four feet in height, cross set ablaze (fire officials have canceled this patriotic display due to anticipated wind conditions), unattended children, domestic housekeeping staff, migrant landscapers and the elderly. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The event begins at 6:00 p.m and concludes at 9:00 p.m., with streets reopening 40 minutes later. A complete set of rules follows.

Special Safety Procedures for Large, Unarmed Black Teens

As a special reminder, related to the increased sensitivity of race relations and the subsequent pressures placed on police agencies across the nation, we ask that all large, slow-moving, unarmed black teens observe heightened safety protocols.

A special area has been roped off near the end of the parade route, close to the security station. To avoid confrontations with frightened police officers, always remain seated, preferably on your hands. Do not make any sudden movements, including waving, whistling, smiling, blinking or applauding parade floats and marching bands. Although we advise that you have absolutely nothing in your possession other than identification papers, make sure to have receipts for all items you choose to bring and that they are clearly displayed on the ground beside said items.

Remember, by merely standing up you may present a perceived threat to police officers, even from hundreds of feet away.

Other Personal Items and Human Placeholders

The placement of personal items along the parade route -- including your children, pets or virtually incapacitated senior citizens -- has in the past created pedestrian and motor vehicle traffic issues, in addition to numerous problems for local businesses.

To prevent accidents or injuries, and in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, all personal property (including family members) serving as human placeholders along the parade route will be confiscated at the discretion of the San Narciso Police Department and taken to the Heritage Heights Library for pick-up after the event.

Please note that all costs incurred from the caring of and cleaning up after your children or elderly will be cited back to you by the City.

The public is also reminded that the law strictly prohibits the following activities on City property, and appropriate action will be taken against anyone in violation. Please observe these rules during the event.

Bennington Vale Parade Attendance Rules

• No visible consumption of alcoholic beverages. If consuming alcohol, please have the good sense to conceal the beverages in brown paper bags, coat pockets, children’s “sippy cups,” a pet’s dish or a discreet thermos.
• No open use of intravenous drugs. Dedicated containers for safely disposing needles “required for medical treatment” have been installed in the public restrooms. The containers are clearly marked and must be utilized.
• No cooking, preparing or otherwise purchasing illegal substances such as methamphetamine along the parade route.This includes City Council members, Yoyodyne executives, local clergy and all members of The Tank Players theater group.
• Public displays of graphic affection, nudity, “dry humping,” any acts with animals that could be construed as sexual, and soliciting prostitutes are against the established Penal Code and will be enforced. Prostitutes, along with the county’s homeless population, will be restricted to the Hobo Gardens area for transients during the parade.
• Groping other people is also prohibited during the event, with the exception of local TSA employees who may, at their discretion, pat down attendees who appear suspicious or threatening.
• Echoing the aforementioned ordinance, the City Council reminds its LGBT citizens that this is a holiday parade only -- not any other kind of parade. Appropriate consideration and restraint should be exercised during the event. Family friendly dress codes will also apply. Violations of decorum will be punished to the severest legal extent possible.
• The event is truly a universal Holiday Parade. The word “Christmas” is a legacy term for the parade, which San Narciso County leased for use by its copyright holder, FOX Broadcasting Company. Large sums of money were paid for this usage, so we cannot in good conscience strike it from the posters or banners. The event welcomes people of all faiths, which in San Narciso County include people of Christian and Jewish persuasions, with some Pagan hold outs. However, visitors of Hindu, Muslim, Shinto, Wicca or other miscellaneous religions are also welcome to celebrate the birth of the Lord’s Only Son without prejudice. Catholics may also attend this year.
• Police will monitor the parade route to ensure ABSOLUTELY NO pedestrian traffic on the streets. As we learned last year, the drivers of parade floats have substantially less visibility than originally believed. We don’t want a repeat of the infamous 2009 “Maxwell Street Massacre.” As such, the Farmer’s Market area will be closed entirely.
• Curb all pets, including children and the elderly. Specially designed sanitary disposal bags with zipping lock tops are provided next to each street lamp. There are two sizes, the smaller intended for domestic animals (e.g., dogs, cats, etc.).
• Public urination is strictly forbidden. Please use one of the public restrooms. If the restrooms become over-crowded by San Narciso’s surprisingly vast population of teens who require intravenous medication, please use an alley. We suggest the one adjacent to the Catholic Church or former Clinton campaign headquarters. If using the latter, please exercise additional caution when navigating through the burned out husk of the structure, which may not be stable.
• Yes, drum lines from every school in the district will be marching. Yes, they will probably be playing the same song. No, you probably won’t recognize it. Please refrain from sending strongly worded letters to the City Council. We’ve made our decision.
• Also relating to the marching bands: taunting, harassing, name calling, throwing objects at, or otherwise physically assaulting male drum majors or flag bearers does constitute a hate crime in San Narciso. You may be reprimanded for engaging in such behavior.
• Weapons of all reasonable size are permitted along the parade route. We encourage responsible gun-owning citizens to assist the police with enforcing the rules, where necessary. We would also suggest keeping an eye on Hobo Gardens, the reserved seating section for unarmed youth of color, brash women making unilateral decisions in the presence of others, and suspected LGBT insurgents attempting to pervert the theme of the parade. After settling several lawsuits and PTSD claims from the 2014 “Jesus Christ Superstar” flash mob, we can’t afford another incident of this scale.

No Mimes Policy and Additional Information

As a final note, we have, for a variety of carefully considered reasons, cancelled the mime troupe performance from this and all future parades. Please be safe and pass this message along to family members, friends, neighbors or associates. Remind them that guns are allowed at the parade. Remind them twice.

Full event details are posted on the Community Events Calendar. For more information, contact the San Narciso Chamber of Commerce or the Bennington Vale City Planning Bureau. Merry Christmas!

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.