F. Chester Greene is a prominent local businessman, Republican Party leader, community leader, NRA member and write-in presidential candidate.

EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This past weekend, the impressionable youngsters of Bennington Vale and its surrounding communities, with the exception of North Viaduct, eagerly anticipated the discovery of gifts under Santa’s tree at the annual CHRISTmas Parade -- an event I took great pains in helping to plan, but which an insidious faction of fifth columnists perverted behind the scenes. What our children found instead of goodies were carnage and the cruel remnants of religious intolerance from a liberal insurgency of anti-American Clinton supporters -- most likely from the, let’s say, more diverse North Viaduct area. This “colorful lot” turned joy into disaster as the festivities spiralled into an abyss of injuries and rioting, reminiscent of the German Love Parade stampede in July and the Walmart closure in May for renovations. City officials attributed the problems to the inadequate disposal of medical needles, misprinted signage and the horrifying presence of the “Holiday Man.”

So-called “Conservative” Mayor Under Investigation

Influential members of the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce and the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) have demanded an investigation into Mayor Manny DiPresso’s handling of the event. Despite the money and time both organizations poured in parade preparations, city officials either made or allowed unapproved last-minute changes to the venue, which ended in catastrophe.

Mayor DiPresso and the City Council issued a statement Thursday evening -- nearly a weekly after their botched attempts to downplay an ideological, moral and physically dangerous incident:

There were many problems with the parade, the foremost being that nobody in the county bothered to read over the rules we posted last week. I explicitly said I didn’t want a repeat of the 2009 “Maxwell Street Massacre.” To be fair, that didn’t happen. What did transpire, in my opinion, was much worse. First, every bathroom along the parade route was equipped with SHARPS SECURE containers for disposing needles required for medical treatment. As we all know, the county has a regrettably large number of teens with glaucoma or who require intravenous medication for other undisclosed ailments. Failing to properly dispose of those hypodermics is what led to the donkey’s overdose. It may also explain why the midget we hired to play baby Jesus stripped naked and defiled a plastic angel. So, there went the living nativity.

Also, six of the eight dogs pulling the Children’s Hospital sleigh met similar fates. My dreams will forever be haunted by the sound of children screaming, dogs heaving and the eerie, guttural retching of the mule before it vomited out one of its internal organs.

Fortunately, we made a decision this year to reinstate the white Balthasar. Otherwise, we may have experienced a full-scale massacre.

Another problem, according to city officials, was the last minute rush of local businesses to have banners printed up for display in the parade. Without adequate notice, some typographical errors were made, most notably affecting a Vietnamese-owned hot dog stand. The sign was meant to read “Eat at Lazy Dog,” not “Eat a Lazy Dog.” Civil Rights organizations within the county remain adamant that these mistakes were intentionally made by certain Chamber of Commerce members whom these groups continually label as bigots and racists.

I would say the cause is more likely the result of non-English speaking immigrants asking other non-English speaking immigrants to make signs. Anyone who’s had the displeasure of eating at Lazy Dog or purchasing a soccer team banner from Señor Signs knows exactly what I mean.

War on Christmas Hits New Low with Infiltration of the Holiday Man

Perhaps the most glaring violation of decency came at the end of the parade when the “Holiday Man” was loosed, like anarchy, upon our world. Just as a hapless fictional police sergeant perished inside a Wicker Man, the unwitting actor who was coerced by county liberals to occupy the equally ill-fated Holiday Man also burned in effigy. Unlike the character in the movie, he was denied the sweet mercy of death.

The Holiday Man concept, according to the City Council, involved incorporating traditional symbols of the season from all major religions, not just the two represented in San Narciso. As any upstanding American would expect, the Holiday Man was immediately met with tears and profanity, not joyous well-wishing.

The Holiday Man wore a common Santa Claus suit but with a yarmulke and Kwanzaa candles at his feet. He was also holding a copy of the Koran. Worse, he was lashed to a giant cross, which Mayor DiPresso eventually admitted was an incredibly misguided decision in hindsight.

DiPresso’s statement to the county and local press did little to excuse the nightmare he enabled:

We were vehemently opposed to the idea of this Holiday Man. But because of our past ACLU issues, we felt we had no choice. Since President Trump’s election, socialist outfits like the ACLU have really stepped up their game. And rather than complaining about the War on Christmas, they’re now sending troops into the battle. We reluctantly granted them the Holiday Man, which they promoted as an innocent and embracing symbol of acceptance to all citizens in San Narciso County. Clearly, they lied. There was also some confusion with the messaging, which was complicated by a poorly conceived display.

I completely understand the outrage, the panic, the wailing children and even the impassioned, albeit inappropriate, obscenities. The ensuing riots, while costly to suppress and clean up, were also, in my mind, natural reactions. Setting the Holiday Man’s float on fire, however, was inexcusable. Children, pets and elderly citizens were close enough to the blaze to be scorched. In future outbreaks of racially charged, religiously fueled and righteously indignant aggression, I would strongly urge community members to keep the violence away from public gatherings.

Fortunately, the Holiday Man was close enough to Fangoso Lagoons to be pushed into the water and extinguished. But fines will be forthcoming.

The actor who portrayed the Holiday Man remains in stable condition, with second degree burns covering roughly 17 percent of his body. He is expected to make a full recovery, and the City Council has agreed to pay for any reconstructive surgery he may require.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.