SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) released its December jobs report. Data revealed a drop in the national unemployment rate to 4.6 percent, its lowest point in over nine years. Job growth, meanwhile, continued to climb for the 74th consecutive month. However, Vice President-elect Mike Pence (R-Ind.) and House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) both told news outlets this weekend that President Obama’s crushing regulatory policies, especially the Affordable Care Act (ACA), have crippled employment opportunities. Liberal critics were quick to point out the logical flaw in their arguments. Ryan and Pence defended their statements Monday, noting that Obamacare has played a direct and detrimental role in promoting longevity. As older workers enjoy longer and more salubrious lives, they are less likely to retire or die, leaving Millennials with no long-term job prospects.

Booming Longevity for Boomers: An Undead Nightmare

Mike Pence explained to ABC’s George Stephanopoulos why the Trump administration is racing to restore widespread illness, limited access to affordable healthcare, abbreviated lifespans and overall physiological ruin.

“[W]e’re working on President-Elect Trump’s commitment to repeal and replace Obamacare. It’s all going to begin right out of the gate by repealing this disastrous policy that’s been killing jobs,” Pence said.

Is this initiative more urgent than stifling international trade agreements, running pipelines across protected lands or inciting global conflict through horribly mangled foreign relations outreach?

“Absolutely,” asserted Ryan during an interview Sunday, reiterating his pledge to gut programs like ACA and Medicare from the books. “Affordable medical treatments, coupled with suspending restrictions for patients with pre-existing conditions, means Boomers and aging Gen Xers could become immortal. They’re never going to leave their positions. Or die. That means we can stop expecting job openings in the future. Young employees won’t be able to move up the ranks. We’re talking about people with hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debts, whose resumes will merely read ‘Barista, Ph.D.’”

Pence added that death is an essential part of the Almighty’s circle of life. “But Obama decided to play God,” he noted. “And unless President Trump takes aggressive action to help kill off these wrinkled parasites, the world will suffer the Lord’s spiteful wrath. Outside the chambers of Congress, the executive levels of federal governance, the c-suite of corporations, the Supreme Court and other senior leadership roles, there is no place for the elderly in the employment market.”

Massive Unemployment is Really Extended Labor Availability

Obamacare was signed into law in 2010. Since that time, job placements in the private sector have continued to rise. In 2014, the first year most ACA provisions took hold, employment prospects reached a 15-year apex. The economy today appears dramatically transformed from that of 2010. More than 11 million jobs have been created, and unemployment rates have withered to pre-recession levels. But that’s not welcome news to fiscally aware conservatives.

Consider California’s soaring jobless figures in 2010. Rather than bemoaning the situation, economists cautioned, businesses should have celebrated the prolonged period of free agency in the workforce. Analysts at that time predicted solid, double-digit labor availability rates for more than two years. Simply put, business owners had more options in candidate selection. Over 12 percent of all skilled and eligible employees had been liberated, meaning the available talent pool was spilling over the brim.

Barnabas Hamroid, founder of San Narciso’s William Tell Agency, the largest temporary staffing provider in the county, rejoiced at the opportunities the recession had created for young professionals: “I’ve got more candidates beating down my door than I had 20 years ago. Our staffing branches are overwhelmed by applications and resumes.”

Even more appealing was that most of the newly accessible employees hailed from major industries, led by construction and manufacturing. Yoyodyne’s Galactronics Division, San Narciso’s leading employer, contributed to the situation by freeing over 1,000 of its workers. Fast food restaurants and filling stations across the county benefited from the influx of highly qualified workers who were willing to settle for absurdly low wages.

As the nation struggled to recover from the recession, the infusion of uncommitted and skilled laborers in these sectors spelled hope for the wider economy. But then Obamacare passed, and the gravy train derailed.

Older Workers Are Taking Opportunities to Their Graves

According to Pew Research Center, the older generations populating the U.S. workforce will not be grooming their replacements or stepping down anytime soon. In the spring of 2000, 12.8 percent of employees aged 65 or older had not retired. Today, that number has grown to nearly 20 percent -- a substantial and terrifying jump. For additional perspective, consider that over 8 percent of 75-year-olds currently hold jobs.

The news gets worse. Life expectancy in the United States has hit record highs. Mortality rates have declined. People are healthier and living longer. Because they are more mentally and physically vibrant, they are also hoarding jobs by refusing to die or exit the workforce graciously, as members of a polite society do.

“Obamacare is largely to blame for that,” Pence observed. “In times past, many people would have been denied treatment based on existing medical conditions. Others couldn’t have afforded regular or preventative care. Younger people, particularly students, remain under their parents’ policies even longer. You add it all up, and we’re creating a super society of dinosaurs who will not go extinct -- who stubbornly reject the natural order of things by not fading gently into the night.”

Pence and Ryan worry that as aging employees persist into their sunset years, younger professionals will be denied chances to learn new skills, accept more responsibilities, develop leadership traits and progress in their careers. The success of Obamacare, they emphasize, will be responsible for the death of American competitiveness on the world stage.

“By the time the fossils of Gen X finally tumble into their graves, we’ll be left with middle-aged workers whose only on-the-job experiences have been ringing registers, flipping burgers or pouring overpriced coffee,” Ryan said. “America will descend into disgrace in the global marketplace. Places like Mexico and China will be pioneering financial innovations and breaking ground on exponential technologies. Our future leaders will be asking those nations if they want fries with that, thanks to Obamacare.”

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.