SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A new study published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provides compelling evidence for American men to stick by 2017 New Year’s weight-loss resolutions. Nearly 50 percent of men, the report found, remain seated for three-quarters of the day, compared to only 13 percent of women. The result? A rise in obesity. However, President-elect Donald Trump offered some unusual advice as part of his commitment to overhaul the existing U.S. health system. The conversation came from a recent briefing on the threat of North Korea. Rather than discussing the predictably erratic antics of Pyongyang’s minuscule but tyrannical autocrat, Trump raved about a new fad in weight loss based on the North Korean diet of dirt and tree bark, which is sure to help millions shed unwanted pounds in 2017. This “all natural” and “portion-sensible” diet, Trump opined, can reduce American dependence on Obamacare and food stamps.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The small Amish enclave in San Narciso’s Kinneret Hills was rattled this Christmas by the discovery of Tourette syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community’s local paper and a physician who resides near “Amish Acres,” as the area is called by neighboring residents. Tourette’s is a congenital neuropsychiatric disorder characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. In an interesting corollary, Rep. Tom Price (R-Ga.), Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), said the incident -- and the community’s handling of it -- revealed the fallacy of social medical programs. Price has long sought to dismantle Obamacare and replace Medicare with a voucher system. “The Amish, stunned as they are by the offensive outbursts of a child, are handling the situation as real Americans should,” Price said. “They’re tolerating it, placing the infirm pariah in quarantine and praying for God’s assistance -- not the taxpayers’.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Friday, the United Nations Security Council unanimously passed Resolution 2334, which denounced Israel’s construction of Jewish settlements on the West Bank as a “flagrant violation” of international law. President-elect Donald Trump joined the chorus of castigation, promising his support to Israel after taking the oath of office in January. He followed up with a bizarre and confusing statement explaining the importance of an independent Jewish state to America: “Murderous Jews facilitated Jesus’ resurrection, they’re pushing Muslims into the sea where they belong, and I’d rather have them living in their own country, especially since they control Hollywood and celebrities won’t perform at my inauguration party.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a recent CNN interview, Kellyanne Conway clarified that Trump’s proposed immigration ban would encompass much more than a Muslim registry. Civil rights activists have fretted over the possibility that Trump would enforce a census, reminiscent of 1940’s Germany, to identify people of Islamic faiths for the purpose of deporting, exiling or even imprisoning them. Conway, Trump’s former campaign manager and newly appointed White House aide, explained that the president-elect would not pursue a ban exclusive to those of Muslim affiliation. “That would be myopic,” Conway remarked. “President Trump’s security plan is more sweeping; it will cover any religions or countries that have attacked us in the past. So that would include England, Japan, Mexico, Indians -- Tontos, not Gandhis -- and many more.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In 2013, The Washington Post obtained documents indicating that the National Security Agency (NSA) gathers nearly five billion records each day that track the locations of users around the world. The data was provided by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden. On December 21, a massive breach of Yahoo’s servers revealed more clandestine scanning of user emails at the behest of U.S. intelligence agencies, who anticipate loosening recently enforced privacy protections in a Trump administration. But the NSA wants Americans to know that data-mining expeditions serve a greater, more benevolent goal. So as a special holiday treat, new National Security Adviser Michael Flynn said the NSA will send Santa Claus the Christmas lists of every child whose records have been intercepted by government systems.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) took a lot of heat in 2014 when a congressional investigation uncovered irrefutable proof of a brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants. Despire efforts from the Obama administration to curb government-sanctioned torture, key members of President-elect Trump’s cabinet want those practices reinstated. Appointees in top security roles have made provocative statements about the legitimate use of “severe interviewing protocols” as necessary, effective and ultimately benign; most suspects survive the ordeal with only lingering neurological scars. To prove it, Trump’s policy masterminds have partnered with the torture czars behind the CIA initiative to demonstrate the positive outcomes of rendition. On Tuesday, they published a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- just in time for Christmas!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- When Barack Obama first took office in 2009, the talents of Beyoncé and Aretha Franklin were prominently displayed at the inauguration. President-elect Donald Trump has not enjoyed the same attention from celebrities or managed to attract star performers to serenade him. Compounding the growing dilemma, Trump’s transition team has also struggled to entice artists to paint the presidential portrait. On Monday, however, they announced the commission of the only dauber willing to capture Trump’s essence in oils: Doña Cecilia Giménez, the mastermind behind the controversial restoration of the Ecce Homo (Behold the Man) fresco in Spain, more popularly known as “Potato Jesus” or “Ecce Mono (Behold the Monkey).”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For many conservatives, Trump’s appointment of former Gov. Rick Perry (R-Texas) to head the Department of Energy (DOE) was welcome news. Unlike the aloof scientists Obama selected to run the organization previously, Perry has impressive credentials that appeal to Trump’s broader base. Perry, during his failed 2012 campaign for president, vowed to abolish the DOE. The department presented such an obstacle to economic and military expansion that Perry forgot its name when calling for its closure. More importantly, he rejects “junk science” theories such as climate change, gravity, Ohm’s law and anything not referenced in the Bible. He also holds the gubernatorial record for killing criminals, having executed over 234 felons, minorities and mentally ill individuals during his tenure. That makes him an excellent figurehead to oversee the country’s nuclear weapons cache in an era of increased global strife, terrorism, unarmed blacks, immigrants, Muslims and independent women.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Officials from Turkey and Moscow announced the formal cessation of hostilities in war-ravaged Aleppo on Tuesday. Beginning Wednesday morning, “civilians and moderate rebels with light weapons” will have safe escort to the Idlib province, Turkish sources said. Russia’s U.N. ambassador also confirmed that military actions in the region had ended. Despite the welcome news, countless families have said they will not flee, rejecting displacement in favor of remaining at peril to rebuild the ruins of their home. Leaders in Moscow assured the world that these civilians would also be evacuated safely by Russian troops, the guarantors of the truce. In a deal struck with an American small business late Monday evening, Russia will gain access to “personal storage and relocation vessels” provided by BasketCase, a manufacturer of discount caskets.

Trump Meets with Blofeld, Dr. Evil, The Gunslinger and Lex Luthor

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In the first week of October, President-elect Donald Trump met with key members of the National Border Patrol Council to secure the group’s endorsement for his plans to build a wall along the United States-Mexico border. Images from the forum -- featuring white, balding, middle-aged men -- resembled a comic book panel of villainous masterminds plotting the overthrow of the Justice League. But mainstream media once again missed the mark by describing the gathering as “Trump with Four Lex Luthors.” More astute reporters would have noticed one Lex Luthor accompanied by Blofeld, Dr. Evil and The Gunslinger.

F. Chester Greene is a prominent local businessman, Republican Party leader, community leader, NRA member and write-in presidential candidate.

EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This past weekend, the impressionable youngsters of Bennington Vale and its surrounding communities, with the exception of North Viaduct, eagerly anticipated the discovery of gifts under Santa’s tree at the annual CHRISTmas Parade -- an event I took great pains in helping to plan, but which an insidious faction of fifth columnists perverted behind the scenes. What our children found instead of goodies were carnage and the cruel remnants of religious intolerance from a liberal insurgency of anti-American Clinton supporters -- most likely from the, let’s say, more diverse North Viaduct area. This “colorful lot” turned joy into disaster as the festivities spiralled into an abyss of injuries and rioting, reminiscent of the German Love Parade stampede in July and the Walmart closure in May for renovations. City officials attributed the problems to the inadequate disposal of medical needles, misprinted signage and the horrifying presence of the “Holiday Man.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It was exactly 75 years ago Wednesday that Japanese fighters bombed Pearl Harbor, a U.S. naval base located in Hawaii. It was this unfathomable sneak attack on December 7, 1941, that propelled the United States into World War II. The gravity of the anniversary was not lost on President-elect Donald Trump. He spent the early part of the day appointing Scott Pruitt, the most rabid climate change denier he could find, to steer the Environmental Protection Agency’s (EPA) new direction. Afterward, Trump and newly anointed Security Adviser Michael Flynn met quietly in Hawaii. They commemorated the day by paying homage to the resilient Americans who rose up to protect the nation. Teary eyed, Trump and Flynn praised the ingenious men and women behind the construction of Japanese-American internment camps, the “unsung heroes in our hour of need.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President-elect Donald Trump announced his selection for secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Monday. Retired neurosurgeon and former presidential candidate Ben Carson accepted the post, where he will directly oversee “cleansing the brown scourge” that has overtaken and blighted the nation’s inner cities. Although Dr. Carson brings no experience running government programs, sprawling bureaucracies or initiatives supporting diversity, he is an African American who grew up in an inner city. Trump’s transition team explained that Carson is uniquely qualified to lead HUD as “the only urban person Mr. Trump knows and is not frightened by.” Carson has already promised radical overhauls of HUD programs after January.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) released its December jobs report. Data revealed a drop in the national unemployment rate to 4.6 percent, its lowest point in over nine years. Job growth, meanwhile, continued to climb for the 74th consecutive month. However, Vice President-elect Mike Pence (R-Ind.) and House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) both told news outlets this weekend that President Obama’s crushing regulatory policies, especially the Affordable Care Act (ACA), have crippled employment opportunities. Liberal critics were quick to point out the logical flaw in their arguments. Ryan and Pence defended their statements Monday, noting that Obamacare has played a direct and detrimental role in promoting longevity. As older workers enjoy longer and more salubrious lives, they are less likely to retire or die, leaving Millennials with no long-term job prospects.

PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It’s that magical time of year again! And just as our Dear Leader Donald Trump will make America Great Again, your San Narciso County Police Department, in conjunction with San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce, wants to restore the greatness and safety of your post-Obama holiday season. The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 3, 2016. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. Such property includes tables, American flags large enough to drift into the floats, crosses over four feet in height, cross set ablaze (fire officials have canceled this patriotic display due to anticipated wind conditions), unattended children, domestic housekeeping staff, migrant landscapers and the elderly. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The event begins at 6:00 p.m and concludes at 9:00 p.m., with streets reopening 40 minutes later. A complete set of rules follows.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although Donald Trump’s cabinet is slowly coming together, his transition team struggles to fill key positions. Trump recently interviewed disgraced former CIA Director David Petraeus for the role of Secretary of State. After the meeting, Trump told reporters that he was “very impressed” with the retired general, who is currently on probation for distributing classified government intelligence through personal email servers. In 2012, Petraeus uncovered his own affair after discovering incriminating emails he sent to a woman. He said Secretary of State Petraeus would reopen his investigation into Gen. Petraeus’ wrongdoing to ensure no conflict of interest. He also discussed the possibility of imposing an even harsher sentence on himself based on the renewed findings.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Michael “Jim” Delligatti, the man who created the iconic Big Mac sandwich and unwittingly poisoned generations of Americans, died in his home Monday. He was 98. Though not the name or face most people associate with McDonald’s, Delligatti was the pioneer who perfected one of the fast food giant’s most recognizable items. He opened his first franchise in 1957. He came to own and operate an additional 47 chains, making him one of the largest franchise holders in the company’s annals. Not only did Delligatti introduce the nation to the Big Mac, he also proved instrumental in developing the equally infamous breakfast fare, making him one of the most prolific, albeit unintentional, killers in American history.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday morning, President-elect Donald Trump once again seized the helm of social media to issue a stern warning, with severe repercussions, for American citizens attempting to exercise their right to free speech by burning a flag. “Nobody should be allowed to burn the American flag - if they do, there must be consequences - perhaps loss of citizenship or year in jail!” Trump tweeted. He forgot, however, that the United States Flag Code specifically calls for the fiery destruction of unserviceable flags. In fact, American Legion members immolated 2,000 retired flags in a ceremony this June. Trump has demanded that this “coven of cultists, fifth columnists and commie witches be rounded up and jailed.”

“Blackest Friday, blackest night; no joy shall grace our sight.” -- Sgt. Ren Williams, San Narciso Police, on the Black Friday carnage.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The pacific California hamlet of Bennington Vale was again rocked by multiple deaths and countless injuries during Black Friday sales events. In 2011, five members of a small civil rights group were trampled to death outside the Gottsgeld department store in Santa Calcetines. But this weekend, police reported that store employees, not shoppers, crushed the 43 hapless victims in a frantic attempt to overcome the throng of bargain hunters and clock in for their shifts by 5:00 p.m. Thursday evening.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump cried foul after President Obama held a press conference Thursday at the White House Rose Garden to issue two Thanksgiving Day pardons. The ceremony also drew protests from Russian officials and white supremacists, who viewed the official order as an abuse of power. Obama tied the event to a series of executive actions he has taken to jump-start the economy, and which do not require congressional approval. “Well here’s another one: We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys,” the president said. After some initial confusion, Obama clarified that the turkeys in question were two flightless birds being spared their places on the holiday dinner table -- not Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and FBI Director James Comey.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving is the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have, or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the staid feasts and overdressed gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the musty confines of grandma’s den. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same merchandise at slashed prices. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, a holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined President-elect Donald Trump in accusing retailers who refuse to open on Thanksgiving of treason.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On November 10, Donald Trump attended a private transition meeting with Barack Obama. The current president walked his successor through the duties of running the country. Sources present at the discussion said Trump appeared bewildered by the scope of responsibilities, and was genuinely unfamiliar with the job. Trump’s aides seemed equally unprepared, not realizing that the existing White House staff would need to be replaced. In his accustomed fashion, Trump made several odd remarks. He reiterated his confusion about manufacturing nuclear weapons with no intent to launch them, he compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, and then asked when he, like the 16th president, could “declare war on blacks” [sic] and “begin hunting vampires.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Before pitting wits against the global threat of ISIS, President-elect Trump has a bigger enemy to conquer: the Drama Club. Gov. Mike Pence (R-Ind.), Trump’s vice presidential pick, was attending the popular show Hamilton on Friday when he was accosted by the rabid cast of deviants during the curtain call. The mob of LGBT, minority, female and possibly immigrant actors unleashed a fiery message tinged with fear and loathing. A shaken Pence attempted to appear strong throughout the haranguing, but Trump took to social media to defend his running mate -- and American values overall. Trump denounced the so-called “dressing room talk” as dangerous hate speech. Sources close to Pence say he is recovering at home, surrounded by loved ones.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s surprising victory over Hillary Clinton was due in part to his anti-establishment sentiments and strong populist appeal among voters -- meaning members of the Electoral College, whose ballots represent those that count. Trump, a New York billionaire, positioned himself as a man of the people -- again defining “people” as the 538 electors empowered by the 23rd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, whom Republican lawmakers also cited as “the people” in “We, the people.” Unlike Clinton, Trump brought a message of positive disruption. He embodied the ideals of giving the nation a second chance. His recent cabinet picks, revealed Friday, illustrate that Trump has stood by his word.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Director of National Intelligence James Clapper on Thursday informed the House Select Committee on Intelligence that he had tendered his letter of resignation the previous night. Clapper brought over 50 years of military and intelligence community work to his position, serving as President Obama’s chief adviser on security matters both foreign and domestic. A replacement has not been named, but sources believe Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) could be tapped to serve as Secretary of Defense. If he assumes this new mantel in the Trump administration, he will have significant influence over already contentious security and intelligence policies. And according to sources, Sessions has already proposed a radical overhaul of existing anti-terrorism strategies based on “historical and scientifical” interrogation plans developed in 17th Century Salem, Mass.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President-elect Donald Trump’s decision to enlist Stephen Bannon as a key member of the White House leadership team drew protests from civil rights advocates across the nation. In his role, Bannon will serve as the cabinet’s “Chief Strategist and Senior Counselor to the President.” Bannon also remains the head of Breitbart News, a self-described “platform for the alt-right.” His allegiance with this coalition of proud nativists and proponents for eugenics could portend a return to racially charged doctrines of the past, or policies that would strip targeted groups of their existing liberties. Trump officials glossed over the concerns and assured Americans that the administration will promote the equality of every “legitimate” citizen. To demonstrate this commitment, Bannon announced his first task as Trump’s adviser -- launching a comprehensive study to determine which lives matter, clarifying that the term “racist” has become misused and misunderstood.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday, November 11, the Unites States celebrated Veterans Day, a tribute to millions of men and women who have donned a uniform to uphold the nation’s defense. Conspicuously absent from the festivities, however, was President Elect Donald Trump. The soon-to-be Commander in Chief of the U.S. military did not attend a single Veterans Day event, according to multiple sources. He instead spent the long weekend scrambling to fill critical cabinet positions with alt-right propagandists, nativists, white supremacists and anti-Semites. Realizing the oversight, Trump’s aides posted a belated thank you message to members of the Armed Services on Twitter. Trump personally addressed the issue on Monday morning when he expressed his gratitude for our veterans by promising to “create millions more.”

Additional Reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- At the end of October, then presidential candidate Donald Trump delivered his own Gettsyburg Address to supporters during a rally in Pennsylvania. Now president elect, Trump has revised the 100-day plan to clearly illustrate the dramatic, and at times surreal, changes he intends to deliver to a nation he has often criticized. In some ways, Trump has already done more in 48 hours to realize his executive vision than any past president. Trump derided America as corrupt, economically frail, ignorant and an embarrassment to powers abroad. Since his victory over Clinton, markets have collapsed, a corrupt businessman has seized control of the United States, the ignorant have triumphed and world leaders have condemned the once great democracy as a foolish comedy of errors. Through Trump’s aggressive leadership, things have actually become as horrible as he predicted. So what does Donald Trump have in store for the first 100 days of Armageddon his reign? You can download the actual 100-day Plan and a copy of his revised Constitution to learn more. A transcript of the 100-day Plan follows. Note: one item about “getting nuclear launch codes pronto” was omitted in the final draft.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump triumphed Tuesday night in his surprise victory over political rival Hillary Clinton, proving once again that the nation must never underestimate the power of frightened white people. As Trump’s electoral lead grew throughout the night, global financial markets crashed. However, they rose again early Wednesday after Trump’s polished acceptance speech. His ascendency also benefited some businesses directly. Rosetta Stone, provider of educational foreign language software, saw its revenues soar as millions of Americans signed up, frantically hoping to master Canadian French, German, Spanish and even British English. But for joyous conservatives, a Trump presidency spells welcome change -- in a doctrine of no change at all, or reverting back to the idyllic America of the 1950s. Most importantly, Trump will be the first commander-in-chief to finally win the bitter war on women.

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I’d like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I’m a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I’m running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that’s because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I’ll only flip-flop on as soon as I’m nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I’d only let you down once in office.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the 2016 presidential election just a day away, both candidates have hit the campaign trail for one last appeal to undecided voters. Hillary Clinton’s substantial lead over Donald Trump fell briefly after FBI Director James Comey’s shocking decision to revisit the investigation into her private emails. However, after officials confirmed again that Clinton had engaged in no criminal wrongdoing, her margin widened. The announcement also bolstered investor confidence in the markets, leading to a surge in economic forecasts. For Trump, who continues to race across key battleground states, the polls’ shift toward Clinton could spell fresh travails. Not to be overshadowed on election eve, the erratic Republican stunned Americans by leaking a copy of his revised U.S. Constitution while shouting, “Stick this in your pocket, Khizr Khan!” Trump has vowed to implement the new laws within a week of his election. A transcript follows.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin, ally of Syria’s dictatorial Bashar al-Assad, unilaterally declared a 10-hour “humanitarian pause” in the airstrikes and bombings that have rocked eastern Aleppo. Russia’s General Staff Valery Gerasimov announced that the ceasefire would take place between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. on Friday, November 4. Putin said that after destroying countless hospitals and schools filled with children, his troops have become exhausted. “We’re going to need a good 10-hour break to give our boys a rest so they can start slaughtering innocents fresh on Saturday,” he explained.

News in Photos

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s annual Halloween soiree, despite the hype, turned out to be a “dull and insipid” affair, according to most attendees. Partygoers had expected a lavish seasonal fete, bustling with celebrities adorned in creative and surprising costumes. And although the gathering offered the finest foods and libations, not to mention a garish spectacle of decorations that featured portraits of Trump groping weirdly fetishized jack-o’-lanterns, guests said they felt underwhelmed. As one reporter observed, “We expected a crazy assortment of wild outfits, but it was so dull and unoriginal. Everyone dressed up as ghosts. Yawn, right?”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a sixth horrifying year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce will host the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opens Monday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. In years past, the event has drawn more police and paramedics than Halloween thrill-seekers. The 2015 Spooktacular was shuttered after three short hours of operation. Problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for last season’s ghastly tour was “Death Panel: American Nightmares,” a politically charged horror show that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president. Undaunted, the Chamber of Commerce will push forward this week with a new attraction that White House hopeful Donald Trump has deemed the scariest, most prophetic nightmare any conservative will experience this All Hallow’s Eve -- especially those who cherish family values, Jesus, patriotism and legal citizenship.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This weekend through Monday, many neighborhoods in the county will receive ghostly visitors in the form of trick-or-treaters. Bennington Vale and Santa Calcetines will likely host the lion’s share of these candy seeking goblins. Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is reminding residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some individuals, in past All Hallow’s Eve celebrations, have engaged in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a zero-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which will be considered a biohazard and a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you have the best Halloween ever!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Why do we continue to glorify a holiday that rewards filthy beggars? It’s the question Donald Trump now wants answered. Halloween, to most families, is a jovial celebration of the harvest -- an innocent day of mirth, confections and good-natured displays of dress-up. But to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, the day has become a truly horrifying affair. In his latest stump speech, Trump vowed to reform or end this “depraved welfare holiday,” which sends a terrifying message to impressionable youth: that our society will reward grubby, lazy moochers who are looking for handouts -- and that anyone with twenty dollars can purchase an insulting costume of Donald Trump and parade foolishly around town, slandering his impeccable reputation.

Happy birthday, Hillary Clinton. Rest in peace, America.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday evening, analysts discovered shocking new secrets in the trove of Clinton emails uncovered by Wikileaks. Wednesday, October 26, for example, was revealed to be Mrs. Clinton’s birthday. And the accompanying celebratory messages, well wishes and gift lists illustrate not just Hillary’s favorite things, but what a significant danger she is to American democracy.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On the tenth anniversary of the original iPhone, Apple is poised to disrupt the industry again -- with a smart device that allows real-time, bi-directional communication. Apple plans to unveil a completely redesigned model to honor the product that ignited a mania that’s gripped this nation ever since. Not only has the appearance been dramatically overhauled, the next generation model promises users an unexpected and radical surprise in core functionality. Tim Cook, the company’s CEO, has fought an uphill battle to maintain the powerful momentum fueled by the vision of Steve Jobs. On Monday, he tentatively announced a breakthrough that even test subjects couldn’t foresee. “The new iPhone 8 will revolutionize the way lifestyle devices connect us to our world,” Cook said. “Forget social media and digital messaging. This new prototype will allow you to speak directly to any person by simply entering a 10-digit identification code.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Wednesday evening brought to a close the series of presidential debates for the upcoming election in November. Our staff covered the event live on social media, posting from a rented trailer parked at a seedy KOA lot behind Circus Circus. The debate opened with what seemed a paid, hour-long advertisement from the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce. It quickly degenerated into one of the most cringe-worthy displays of aphasia, pique, pandering and open misogyny from the embattled Republican candidate. Following are highlights of the debate. If there is a defining sentiment that encapsulates the performance, our reporters summarized it this way: “You know what they say, what happens in Vegas...well, it would be awesome if it could just stay in Vegas.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In what sounds like a page from dystopian fiction, conservative columnist David Horowitz speculated that a Hillary Clinton presidency would lead to “mandated sex change operations.” In Horowitz’s bizarre and inexplicable rant, he warned that Clinton could impose these procedures as early as 2020. The proposal sent shockwaves of consternation through conservative channels, but Donald Trump admitted that he endorses the policy: “If Hillary is set on turning girlie men into actual girls, it’s a great plan. A terrific plan.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The rift between Donald Trump and Republicans continues to widen. Not only has the GOP presidential nominee launched relentless attacks targeting House Speaker Paul Ryan, he has frequently dismissed or countered statements by his running mate, Gov. Mike Pence (R-Ind.). The beleaguered vice presidential candidate appears to be foundering in his efforts to stave off Trump’s verbal and sexual assaults against women. The tactics of evading the issue or redirecting conversations to national security have done little to assuage critics. In a last-ditch move to placate Trump’s unsavory urges, Pence has reportedly purchased a custom-made RealDoll, the lifelike sex toy that replicates the physical dimensions and aesthetics of a woman. Spokespeople for Pence defended the unorthodox decision as a way for Trump to act out his predatory tendencies without actually assaulting women, or raping teenage girls.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Mike Pence is experimenting with a new PR approach to downplay Trump’s derogatory views on women: redirect all questions to terrorism. On Friday, reporters spoke to the vice presidential candidate about his running mate’s misogynistic behavior. An 11-year-old girl, they said, confessed her pain over Trump’s disrespectful comments about women, which the GOP nominee has brushed off as “locker room” banter. Pence responded by assuring the girl, and women everywhere, that the Trump campaign is committed -- committed to ending terrorism. Having no arrows in his quiver with which to protect Trump’s ruined reputation, Pence adopted a new strategy of pivoting to remarks about national security. We interviewed the candidate to learn more about the campaign’s shift in focus. Following is a transcript. (Note: Representatives for Pence vehemently denied his participation in the conversation).

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Donald Trump’s campaign continues to implode in a never-ending stream of misogynistic and racist rhetoric, the apologies for which often seem worse, the Republican presidential candidate may have new woes to face during the holidays. A seat on the dock awaits Trump, as he will be forced to testify in a lawsuit alleging that he raped a teenage girl at a party in 1994. The case actually had been submitted three times before, but the court dismissed the filings because of clerical errors -- possibly due to the young victim writing her grievance in crayon. The latest batch of documents passed muster, however, and a date has been set for mid December. Trump immediately insinuated that the charges were part of the insidious war on Christmas and denied any wrongdoing. His attorney, Alan Garten, called the accusations “reckless, irresponsible and categorically untrue.” He said Mr. Trump would not be commenting further, “because it gives credibility.” Interestingly, such statements would mark the first time Trump said anything credible.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This Monday, many U.S. citizens paid tribute to the day when indigenous native Americans discovered an inept Italian adventurer lost at sea with a small fleet of Spanish ships. That navigationally challenged captain was Christopher Columbus, whose voyage to India landed him in North America on October 12, 1492. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. Every year, demonstrators -- primarily historians from the college -- attempt to protest the ceremony. However, after learning that Donald Trump would be attending the festivities, Mayor Manny DiPresso increased security and issued warnings that all women actors dressed as squaws wear long, fully closed costumes in lieu of revealing loincloths.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump faced his worst nightmare Sunday evening: two women and an openly gay man telling him to stop talking. The second presidential debate, within moments of kicking off, found Hillary Clinton and the event’s moderators strafed by a hostile and incessant blast of salvos from Trump. Complicating the appearance was Trump’s unnerving, predatory posturing throughout the town hall-style interaction. The intimidating experience recalled elements of the first debate, but with a greater sense of existential dread, unqualified claims, blatant falsehoods and unrestrained invectives. Of course, Trump’s advisers offered up rehearsed excuses, with his campaign manager going so far as to anticipate problems and tweet a preemptive apology. Still, fascinating as it seems, the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) again confirmed problems with Trump’s microphone.

Trump Plagued by History of Problems with His Equipment

This time, the issues did not arise from a rogue artificial intelligence program as in the first round of talks, CPD officials stated.

“The device was inherently defective this time; nothing came out of it but hate, nonsense, ignorance and garbage,” a CPD analyst revealed. “You could chalk it up to bad luck, but in talking with Mr. Trump’s past spouses and lovers, we learned that he has a history of malfunctioning and substandard equipment.”

Investigators with the commission, in cooperation with Washington University staff, blamed poorly adjusted volume control and sound engineering. Many of Trump’s responses were unintelligible and muffled. Only words such as “hate,” “ISIS,” “China,” “locker room,” “rape” and “grab them by the p***y” were picked up clearly by the device. Another complication, according to the CPD, sprang from faulty wiring in the mic, which sent an ongoing series of electric shocks through Trump’s body.

“You could tell Mr. Trump was enduring extreme physical discomfort,” the analyst explained. “Notice his aggressive pacing around the the stage, like a starving shark looking for chum. His jerky and almost drunken gait. The infantile tantrums. The irritability in his voice and demeanor. And even that time he humped the chair. These were all clear indicators that Trump was struggling. We’re impressed that he persevered and refused to quit, no matter how frightening, juvenile or ridiculous he looked.”

After reviewing initial footage of Trump’s mic fitting, CPD officials speculated that Trump’s profuse sweating and inexplicable cataract of nasal drip may have shorted the wiring in his device.

Highlights from the Second Presidential Debate: Crazy Train Derails Near Crazy Town

Despite the ranting and accusatory nature of the debate, the topics presented a more focused examination of core issues: foreign affairs, terrorism, civil rights and social reform chief among them. Following are highlights from our reporters, who covered the event live from their homes in order to drink heavily without embarrassment or reprisals from the usual crowd at the sports bar of Piers Addleson’s Pea House.

TRUMP described Iran as the number one terrorist state in the world -- a country, unlike North Korea, without validated nuclear weapons production, or a country, unlike the United States, with no ties to al Qaeda. Iran also fiercely opposes ISIL. Trump countered criticisms by telling media that he has actionable intelligence on the matter.

“I know Iran’s the number one terror state,” he said. “I know, and I have intelligence. It’s good intelligence, it’s the best intelligence, and if you saw it you’d understand, and you’d say, ‘Donald, that’s great intelligence and Iran is the biggest threat in the world.’ And when I’m president, I’ll show it to you all.”

TRUMP: “You have ISIS chopping off heads and people being drowned in steel cages.” As we’ve learned, you also have Donald Trump grabbing those p***ies.

TRUMP’s avowed doctrine of “knocking the hell out of ISIS” and grabbing genitals is a unique foreign policy, to say the least.

TRUMP spent the first half of the debate expressing his disgust and abhorrence for ISIS, though he evidently shares their unflattering views of womenfolk.

GOP insiders suspect that Trump may appoint disgraced Stanford swimming champ Brock Turner to head his women’s outreach program. Turner is otherwise unemployable, and he’s intimately versed in reaching out to, and inside of, women.

TRUMP’s attorneys admitted that Rob Ford may in fact have a position as Trump’s dealer. “Trump got extra COKED up for tonight’s debate,” one reporter wrote. “Like, a heroic dose of booger sugar that would make William Burroughs or Hunter S. Thompson faint.”

TRUMP, the man who pays no taxes, endorsed wasting taxpayer money on an expensive witch hunt to prosecute his political opponent, Hillary Clinton -- an announcement that made Joseph McCarthy, and Joseph Stalin for that matter, seem gentle by comparison.

BOTH CANDIDATES continued to evade the real security threat facing this country -- the spreading menace of Creepy Clowns.

TRUMP’s eerie proximity to Clinton unnerved audience members and viewers. “Like, you know, he’s moving to grab her p***y,” one reporter mentioned on Twitter.

ON ISLAM, Trump reinforced his stance on banning Muslims from the country, but proposed a scaled back approach that would supersede his initial plans of outright exclusion or deportation. Several considerations arose.

Despite Trump’s efforts to sell the novelty of his idea, we’ve seen similar reporting standards for certain religions before.



Trump called for “extreme vetting” rather than exile. Progressive voters immediately displayed their outrage and concerns about constitutionality across social media. However, Trump has a legal U.S. precedent from the George W. Bush administration, in the form of a tacitly tolerated policy known as “enhanced interrogation.”

Trump may have found an ingenious way to reopen Ellis Island, a lucrative real estate transaction that could surpass his previous deals, which historically ended in billion-dollar losses.

Trump lost ground when he updated an old racist joke from a generation ago. In this iteration, the American dream is a Mexican drug lord swimming back home with a Muslim under each arm.

ON RUSSIA, Trump adamantly denied having a relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin, or of really knowing him. Facts aside, some political analysts believe Trump made an accurate remark, in a sense. They also hailed the moment as the saddest of the debate.

Behind closed doors with his private confidants, Trump has allegedly confessed: “I don’t know Putin. Not really know him, you know? When I say I don’t know him, I’m not saying I’m not acquainted with him, I’m saying I don’t know HIM -- the man behind the gorgeous muscles. Not truly. Because Vlad never looks me in the eyes when we make love.”

TRUMP urged Muslims to report people engaged in suspicious activities, as a way to build credibility in the country. Millions of Muslims heeded his advice and contacted Missouri authorities to report a lunatic running loose around Washington University. Millions of others filed complaints about a Creepy Clown spotted in the same area.

TRUMP’s erratic and uncomfortable movements culminated in him gripping the back of a chair like former coach Bobby Knight. Off mic, security personnel and Clinton handlers shouted for Hillary to “get the hell out of the way!”

TRUMP veered off script and began discussing business processes and economics, mostly targeting depreciation. At this point, the majority of Americans on social networks acknowledged that “we all depreciate you, Donald.”

TRUMP mused over the possibility of building casinos, which he believes may stop the bombings and Russian airstrikes in Syria.

ALEPPO: Gary Johnson was seen frantically pulling out his hair trying to understand how a popular dog food brand from the 1980s has become a pressing political issue.

TRUMP, when questioned about his running mate’s contradictory statements on Russia, exposed one of the most telling aspects of his relationship with Mike Pence: “He and I haven’t spoken, and I disagree.” To the dismay of conservative loyalists, it appears that Trump and Pence are already that estranged couple slogging through a marriage of livable hatred.

Pence was spotted hours later at an airport, trying to leave the country for Costa Rica in disguise. Security personnel noticed fresh bruises on Pence’s face, though the full extent of the damage was obscured by the wig and false beard. Through security camera footage, a TSA officer was heard asking Pence, “Did Donald do this to you?”

Sobbing, Pence replied, “Daddy hits me because he loves me.”

CLINTON remarked that psychologists and neurologists have already coined a term about the detrimental effects of Trump’s rhetoric on others. On Monday, the American Journal of Science enshrined the condition as PTTD: Post Traumatic Trump Disorder. About 30 percent of the nation’s population may be suffering the devastating effects without knowing it.

TRUMP provided the following detailed overview of his military strategy:

MARTHA RADDATZ, one of the moderators, censured the candidates for arguing over their positions instead of taking a question from the audience. In essence, Raddatz astutely illustrated how the campaigns have misrepresented proper U.S political processes, in which the federal government serves the needs of the people. The presidential candidates don’t want to hear from the public, Martha. That's not how modern politics work, duh.

TRUMP challenged Clinton’s ability to install effective new justices on the Supreme Court. He told voters that he has already selected 20 candidates, to demonstrate his commitment to these duties. Media watchdogs and political strategists revealed that all 20 of Trump’s SCOTUS picks were judges from beauty pageants. But respected judges in their idioms, nonetheless.

CLINTON clarified to the audience that she respects the Second Amendment, but really doesn’t like anything about it -- in the same manner workers must respect a horrible manager’s title and authority, even when they have no respect for the individual.

TRUMP accused Clinton of putting minors out of jobs. Most U.S. teens are too young to work legally, so this made little sense. (Update: Oh, MINERS. Sorry.)

At the close of the debate, citizens of the nation were reminded that this is one of the most consequential elections in history...with two of the most inconsequential candidates running.

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Two days after Google’s major product announcements on October 4, Facebook showed up to the party with its nearly forgotten Oculus Rift gear. In April 2014, Mark Zuckerberg unveiled plans to integrate the realm of virtual reality with social media. Now Facebook wants to double down on both. With a crowd of tech innovators hawking augmented reality offerings, the folks driving Oculus hope to distinguish their system by promoting more interactive experiences. So on December 6, Facebook will release Oculus Touch -- handheld controllers that allow gamers and other users to manipulate objects in their digitized worlds. What no one expected was the instant backlash. Aficionados of hardcore VR porn flooded Facebook with complaints. One in particular summed up the core issue: “What the hell? When I’m watching porn, I need a hands-free experience, Mark. Not another stick to control.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As Hurricane Matthew roars across the Caribbean, leaving a body count of 113 in its wake, millions of Americans in the South are evacuating. The warnings from government leaders, weather agencies and media have been dire. The category 4 storm could increase to a 5 as it approaches Florida, with winds over 165 miles-per-hour. However, conservative pundits such as Matt Drudge and Rush Limbaugh are placing lives in jeopardy by downplaying the risks of the hurricane. The DrudgeReport has prominently discounted the threat as hype promoted by liberal politicians to overstate the effects of climate change. Yet in another awkward departure from extremist Republican talking points, vice presidential candidate Mike Pence called the danger real. “Gov. Pence doesn’t believe in man-made climate change,” a spokesperson said, “but he does believe in God, man’s choice to sin as a rump-lusting sodomite, and the Lord’s will to use every arrow in His quiver to wipe out that scourge.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The first and only debate between the 2016 vice presidential candidates took place Tuesday evening in Virginia. As usual, Bennington Vale Evening Transcript staffers covered the event live on Twitter from the sports bar at Piers Addleson’s Pea House. Although the Longwood University venue had an abundance of available press passes and practically begged our journalists to attend, citing an “obscene lack of interest from legitimate reporters,” the budget of a free community paper does not accord such luxuries. Or asbestos- and roach-free offices. Or working toilets. There were two noteworthy differences in the vice presidential debate as compared to the Trump-Clinton clash. First, the candidates appeared less unhinged but vastly more disconcerting. Second, both sides spent the bulk of the discussion interrupting each other and skirting the major issues facing the nation -- primarily, the Creepy Clown infestation. Following are highlights from the event.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s Camp Concentration, a privately funded alternative to the nation’s failing public education system, has already gone bankrupt in the earliest stages of development. Sources report that crews had not even broken ground on construction efforts. The announcement represents another major setback for the Republican presidential candidate’s beleaguered campaign. Spokespeople for Trump revealed that the shuttered program cost investors nearly $1 billion in losses, which Trump allegedly diverted to pay off debts he incurred while financing the revitalization of Russia’s nuclear arsenal -- a plan President Vladimir Putin exposed Monday in a decree that suspends a joint agreement with the United States to eradicate surplus weapons-grade plutonium.