SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If offered a two-for-one deal at Trump Tower Grille, most reasonable people would pass on the prospect of receiving another gristly pool of amorphous, moldering gravy drowning an unknown substance resembling a human thumb. But if the deal involved taking away two Trump Grille menu items and reducing the punishment to only one entree, the disgust factor would be lessened. This is Trump’s logic in passing a new two-for-one points system -- a sort of Weight Watchers approach to cutting the nation’s regulatory fat, but with the sickly long-term damage of the Atkins Diet.

Making America Lean by Trimming the Dead Weight of the Infirm

On Monday morning, President Trump signed another executive order in his ongoing commitment to honor the campaign promises and talking points that fueled his run to the White House. This latest order is just one of 17 executive actions that Trump has authorized during his first frenetic week in office. Hot on the heels of the controversial immigration ban, which sparked widespread protests across the nation’s airports as legally authorized workers and residents were detained, the new writ mandates the removal of two existing federal regulations for every new regulation implemented. Trump hailed the motion as a boon to small and large business owners alike.

“So if Congress decides to force businesses to hire enemies of the state -- like women or dusky hued rapists or journalists -- we’ll get rid of the rules governing honest advertising and the Fair Labor Standards Act, which are crippling businesses and their employees.”

Trump told supporters that he intended to strike at least 75 percent of all government oversight in corporate dealings. In his 100-Day Plan, Trump initially called for the eradication of five existing regulations.

THIRD, a requirement that for every new federal regulation, five existing regulations of the president’s choosing must be eliminated (for example, introducing a measure to raise the federal minimum wage means getting rid of Obamacare, public education, gay marriage, Amendments 13 through 19, and all Planned Parenthood facilities).

“If regulations make it too hard for employers to pay workers or pass savings on to customers, we can’t move forward,” Trump said. “Like forcing shops to install expensive handicap stuff. We’ve got retailers spending trillions of dollars on elevators, ramps, special toilets and other nonsense. Why? Do these hybrid-human androids even eat food? Do they need to stay at hotels instead of inside their pods? How can they handle cash when their spastic hands are flailing all over the place?”

Trump also derided the requirements for disabled parking spaces. “I spend a good 20 minutes circling around the lot looking for a space close to the store. Meanwhile, there’s a terrific place to park, just an amazing slot to stick my hotrod in, just waiting for me to grab it like a p***y, but I can’t or I’ll get fined. So coddling cripples is turning patrons away from shops. Cripples are crippling the economy.” 

Law enforcement officials disputed Trump’s claims, saying that he would likely be considered physically and mentally challenged, and be allowed to park in spaces dedicated to disabled persons.

Re-Open for Business

Trump also seeks to dismantle the Waters of the U.S. Rule and the EPA’s Clean Power Plan, both of which limit pollution and job growth. Relaxing such regulations, Trump noted, would allow the United States to recover billions in payments to U.N. climate change programs and use the money to fix America’s water and environmental infrastructure.

“Global warming is a bogus hoax with no science behind it, just like evolution and most women’s rape accusations,” said the president. “We do need clean water, but environmental regulations aren’t doing squat. Look at Flint, Michigan. I have some incredibly close friends at Nestle. I’m sure I can work a deal to replace the nation’s nasty water with ample supplies of Arrowhead, Ice Mountain and Perrier bottled water -- at a discounted rate.”

In another example, Trump pointed out that raising the federal minimum wage to $10.00 per hour, his recommended cap, would require abolishing two more cumbersome regulations for businesses to bear the burden of increased overhead.

“If we give workers a little bump, then we withdraw from a bunch of New Deal programs, which aren’t new or even deals anymore,” Trump stated. “Absurd safety rules from OSHA prevent employees from working freely. And then get rid of child labor protections. Why are we robbing them of a chance to earn an income? It’s great for businesses; they’ll no longer have to hire Mexicans or ‘special accommodations’ people who have the same IQs as nine-year-olds. Think of it this way: You make your kids clean the dishes? Well, they can come and clean the dishes at Trump Grill and actually make a couple of bucks an hour. That’s putting immigrant jobs back in the hands of America’s future. The children. It’s all about the children. Those who aren’t Muslim terrorists or have never bathed in the Rio Grande.”

Given Trump’s startlingly swift and decisive enforcement of the immigration ban, removing labor protections for visiting workers will top the two-for-one agenda. Co-president Steve Bannon explained that the Migrant and Seasonal Agricultural Worker Protection Act (MSPA) and Section 218 of the Immigration and Nationality Act, which grants H-2A visas into the United States for temporary farm workers, would be the first two regulations cut.

When questioned about the overly broad blanket denial of immigrants, Bannon stayed the course. By phone, Evening Transcript reporters asked Bannon if he would allow a socialist religious leader and civil rights advocate from the Middle East into the country. “No,” he flatly answered.

“Well, we were describing Jesus,” our reporter admitted. “You wouldn’t allow Jesus into the United States?”

“Hell, no!” Bannon snapped. “What the hell do you think the border wall is for? To keep every Jesus, Juan, Carlos and Maria from coming into this country, stealing jobs and raping our children. Do you want Jesus raping your children after he’s finished picking beans? I didn’t think so.”

  (c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.